why does there gotta be a sacrifice

Sometimes I forget that I like to stay home and dye my hair alone on Saturday nights. I forget this in the face of someone being invited out to a bar with an old friend or three, and a few people they like enough to get sloshed with, along with their beloved, and they're all atwitter with the joy of going out. Sometimes I forget that I don't like to drink, I hate smoking, I hate people who are drunk that I don't know all that well, and I hate the feeling of being trapped with a bunch of people who seem to think that you can only have a drunk driving accident if you're in the middle of a movie of the week.

These are the times I realize I never was, nor will I ever be, normal. Or not cynical, sarcastic, and just a little bit on the bent/possibly broken side of things.

I think, on some level, this makes me sad. It's like standing outside the window of a scene you might not even want to be a part of, normally, but at that moment, it's really the only thing you think you want.

On the other hand, I never want to have to tell the tale of how the driver of a car I was in fell asleep at the wheel because he was so drunk... Then again, I'd probably never be able to tell that story because I'd be dead. :p

I'm slowly beginning to fear Ryan won't be appearing for my birthday. He's gone MIA, although I admit I owe him a letter. Tis his turn to email though. Now is not the time to slack off in the communication department. But if he doesn't show, I'll be spending my birthday alone with my family for like, the third year in a row. This does not strike me as a particularly fun way to go. Sure, last year had the month long festivity aspect, and I won't say that part wasn't spiffy. But when people ask you, "so, how'd you spend your birthday?" I don't want to say, "You know, alone, wishing my friends were all dead so they'd have had an excuse to not entertain me for one fucking day of the year. The usual." Anyone reading this is obviously exempt. Unless I hunt you down and you don't even say ahoy before you run screaming. :p You say ahoy, then run. It's that simple.

Just once I want to do something. Bonus points if I didn't have to set the whole thing up. It somehow loses the fun if you have to set your birthday festivities up alone. I don't know why. You'd think it would guarentee you'd have fun, which would be a good thing, right? I guess it's because it just seems like everyone slacks off and didn't care enough to plan something.

For those who haven't already made this mistake, I must now warn you: Never plan, and execute, a nearly perfect birthday for someone else. It will spoil you rotten for your own birthdays if they never bother to return the favor, or even try. I made that mistake for two years with C-ass. I tried with Ari, but the execution always failed. Cass got at least two really good birthdays out of me though. One I planned all by myself, and the other I co-chaired the event and everyone had a fucking blast, man. Then the next day she came to live with me. :p Which wasn't planned, but hey.

But now that I think about it, I couldn't even begin to figure out what I'd want to do for my birthday, even if someone else orchestrated it, or I could con people into making cameo appearances. I've done the movie thing, I've done the "do nothing, let God bring you a miracle" thing. I've never done the dinner out with friends thing for my birthday, and I sincerely doubt this year will break that mold. So I guess I'll have to think about it. Hrmm. Ideas? Suggestions? Kicks in the arse saying, "get the fuck over it, bitch?" If you have the latter, please try them out on yourself first. Thank you.

I have issues, I know. I think my hormones are all out of whack or something. Maybe I'm just in need of a muse to stop by and give me a story. Dunno. I'm off to dye my hair #901. Hope it isn't radioactive!