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far behind
Jun. 28th, 2008 11:15 amI have been having the strangest dreams lately. A couple of nights ago, I dreamed I was in school, middle maybe, and we were watching Sweet Valley High with the actors, but they hadn't aged a bit. And then somehow book!Liz and I were talking to someone and she ticked them off and the next thing I know, there's a monkey around my neck, strangling me. I manage to pull its rubbery arms up and over my neck and around Liz's neck, and she's okay with it, even though the monkey is clearly disobeying its owner/keeper who told it to not harm her. I felt bad so I was attempting to free her from the monkey when I woke up. And then, for the rest of the day, I could still feel that damn monkey around my neck.
The next night, I was at school, also set in middle school, I think, but just... there. Wasn't actually in middle school, just happened to be the same building. Anyway, I got into this fight with someone who started yelling at me for having a boyfriend and an unnaturally close friendship with an ex [based on both a guy I knew, but never had a crush on, and another boy I was totally crazy for, but the two had nothing at all in common except they were boys] which freaked the boyfriend out while the ex was like, "um, ex for a reason, leave me out of this. wanna watch tv?" Despite yelling and screaming, it was one of those dreams where I woke up feeling all warm and fuzzy.
Last night... I don't really remember much except that it sorta freaked me out and I woke up at 9:30 and seriously considered staying awake because the dream disturbed me. I thought I heard someone fall, and there were gunshots [in the dream] and in my head, a clock was blinking 12:50, but I haven't had an alarm clock like that in years.
One week and one day until vacation.
I'd count the seconds but it would seem too big.
And now I'll share one of the thoughts I cannot actually say aloud because there's no one to say it to. I resent the hell out of my friends for getting married. I know, that's messed up on levels I probably cannot comprehend, and it's stupid to not want them to be with someone simply because it changed my life, but that's what happens when you're the odd one out. It's not that they found someone, it's that in getting married they grew up. They made it so that if I want to see three movies on my birthday, I have to factor in other people besides my best friends. I have to juggle their feelings and add it to the equation and see how likely they are to have something to say, or to want to see these movies/do whatever the actual plan in question is/ give up their time with their wives. For the love of Holly, it was hard enough to get my friends to be in the same place at the same time, and hell, I only had two most of the time. Now I have to consider the fact that their 'fun' money should probably go towards something decidedly less fun, or that they probably spent it anyway, but mostly?
Mostly it's that I get picked last. It's not exactly a new thing. I'm not the friend you immediately run to when you want to do something fun. I'm the one you call when you've blown something up and need it cleaned up [and not because I clean well, but because I might ask questions, but I'll still help], or you need that thing on the top shelf, or your heart has been blown apart and you need the good cry your heart out stuff. I'm also not the friend you call on to hang out with your other friends, because I so rarely actually get along with people you're sure I'll love. Or, if I do, you'll stop seeing them. Immediately.
These things happen. They grew up, got lives, and I still feel awfully similar to how I did ten years ago, only... not as fearless, ironically enough. I guess feeling that way is better than feeling ten years older than you are. Hmm.
That said, I'm still totally considering seeing Wall-E, Wanted, and Get Smart on my vacation. All I need is a place with decent popcorn, good drinks, and limited movie goers. Oh yes.
The next night, I was at school, also set in middle school, I think, but just... there. Wasn't actually in middle school, just happened to be the same building. Anyway, I got into this fight with someone who started yelling at me for having a boyfriend and an unnaturally close friendship with an ex [based on both a guy I knew, but never had a crush on, and another boy I was totally crazy for, but the two had nothing at all in common except they were boys] which freaked the boyfriend out while the ex was like, "um, ex for a reason, leave me out of this. wanna watch tv?" Despite yelling and screaming, it was one of those dreams where I woke up feeling all warm and fuzzy.
Last night... I don't really remember much except that it sorta freaked me out and I woke up at 9:30 and seriously considered staying awake because the dream disturbed me. I thought I heard someone fall, and there were gunshots [in the dream] and in my head, a clock was blinking 12:50, but I haven't had an alarm clock like that in years.
One week and one day until vacation.
I'd count the seconds but it would seem too big.
And now I'll share one of the thoughts I cannot actually say aloud because there's no one to say it to. I resent the hell out of my friends for getting married. I know, that's messed up on levels I probably cannot comprehend, and it's stupid to not want them to be with someone simply because it changed my life, but that's what happens when you're the odd one out. It's not that they found someone, it's that in getting married they grew up. They made it so that if I want to see three movies on my birthday, I have to factor in other people besides my best friends. I have to juggle their feelings and add it to the equation and see how likely they are to have something to say, or to want to see these movies/do whatever the actual plan in question is/ give up their time with their wives. For the love of Holly, it was hard enough to get my friends to be in the same place at the same time, and hell, I only had two most of the time. Now I have to consider the fact that their 'fun' money should probably go towards something decidedly less fun, or that they probably spent it anyway, but mostly?
Mostly it's that I get picked last. It's not exactly a new thing. I'm not the friend you immediately run to when you want to do something fun. I'm the one you call when you've blown something up and need it cleaned up [and not because I clean well, but because I might ask questions, but I'll still help], or you need that thing on the top shelf, or your heart has been blown apart and you need the good cry your heart out stuff. I'm also not the friend you call on to hang out with your other friends, because I so rarely actually get along with people you're sure I'll love. Or, if I do, you'll stop seeing them. Immediately.
These things happen. They grew up, got lives, and I still feel awfully similar to how I did ten years ago, only... not as fearless, ironically enough. I guess feeling that way is better than feeling ten years older than you are. Hmm.
That said, I'm still totally considering seeing Wall-E, Wanted, and Get Smart on my vacation. All I need is a place with decent popcorn, good drinks, and limited movie goers. Oh yes.
