Not too perceptive

...G'ah, people. Seriously. Why did no one tell me about last week's Entertainment Weekly with Shannen on the cover? I had to find it, by accident, when I went looking for the Gossip Girl ones. Obviously I didn't find them.

To save you similar distress, if you're Eliza-loving, or are just waiting impatiently for Dollhouse, the new-ish Nylon, with the 90210 brats on the cover has Eliza photo goodness, as well as a couple of other people from the show in a different photo. Eliza! Woo!

I'm wondering if I am the only person on the planet who has no interest, at all, in the new brats of 90210... but will watch for the appearances by Jennie Garth and Shannen. Is it just me? Any minute now I'll get around to watching the first episode. Really.

Well, maybe.

Fiddled with various book sites, because I'm a dork.



Huh. I thought I posted that last night. Obviously not. So. Moving along. I'm a bit confused. I thought that a good nap and some time would make this less confusing, but all it's done is make it moreso. I finally heard from him last night.

And he acted as if nothing was wrong. At all.

I... And he... and what? I haven't heard from him since that email I sent back in fucking July [excuse the profanity] so I kind of assumed he just didn't want to be bothered anymore. Y'know, considering that email wasn't easy to write, nor was it a "do not reply" form letter. It was more along the lines of I think you just killed US and if not, then you mortally wounded the me side of this equation.

More than a month has gone by. I did email him on his birthday, but it was simply "happy birthday". I stopped, mostly, stalking him a few weeks ago. I did try and get in touch with him through our last remaining mutual friend, but that didn't work. I waited for him to remember the "hey, we met, yay!" day. He didn't. I didn't send him anything then, figuring the silence had spoken enough already and I just...

Honey, I threw in the towel. I give up. I've been doing a variation of this dance for more than five years, and parts of it I've been doing since we met. Those parts I could deal with if you'd actually done what you promised before. You looked me right in the eye and promised we wouldn't do this anymore, and you were so close to keeping your word and then... you didn't. I cannot wait around for nothing at all. I don't go around demanding, expecting, or even wanting the Talk, but I can't handle the disappearing acts.

You can't just go away and then appear for less than ten minutes and have it be okay. It's not okay. I'm not okay. We aren't okay.


You know, assuming [g'ah!] that he's not just operating on the "but I'm friends with most of my exes!" wave length. He and I didn't do friends very well after we moved beyond that. We were the exes you do not want your boyfriend/girlfriend to have. Not because cheating was an option, because distance and morality and all that, but... Let's try to put this another way. Until this summer, I have not doubted that he loved me since I met him. The meaning changed a smidge from the start, but once the words were out there, they stayed there. Even after I snapped, and even after he pushed me too far, I still knew it. And I'd say I'm crazy [I am], but it was also true. I'm not the egomaniac you might imagine [really] but that's one of those very basic things I knew to be true. My parents love me. My nephew loves me. He loved me.

So, that's why this summer kicked my ass. And no one got it. Which I suppose isn't entirely fair. But that's the way it is.

I've no idea what's going on. I will not overanalyze it right now. Mainly because it would just be too pathetic for words, but also because it hurts, and I've done so well at turning myself numb for the past month and a half. It seems a shame to undo that without an escape hatch, or hell, even a plan on what to do.

slip away, you'll never make it through


And that was just as difficult as I thought it would be, and it still leaves so much out, but I've been trying to say something, anything, for the last few weeks, aside from the bit about him returning as that's really a new event, and every time I have the time, the motivation, the something... I can't. The words all float out of reach and all I can come up with is something incredibly lame [which isn't to say that this isn't also] and so I don't even bother. Choking on the words.

In other news, as I like to sandwich these things, I cut my hair. I don't know how long it was yesterday, but I'm thinking more than three feet, and it was giving me headaches again, not to mention the ends were beyond fried. Now they're fried but gone.