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impyYou ever get the idea to look up an ex and immediately ignore your inner hamster who says, "WHOA. BAD IDEA!" ?
I do, occasionally, though usually on FB where I pretty much immediately regret that decision because duh. It's been awhile since I had more than just the passing thought, and today's was more google and less FB. So I googled the username he used pretty much everywhere, and unlike Impy, I'm fairly certain there aren't a few people fighting for that one and search result #1 was reddit. Where I waffled back and forth before clicking because I knew I was making a mistake as I clicked anyway.
And it was, 100% a mistake, but not for the reasons I thought.
I only scrolled a bit and the universe probably spared me having to gouge my eyes out and having to set fire to my past by having a fair number of posts removed, so I can pretend maybe he's avoided some of the pitfalls of getting older and being a dude in the South, but in return it handed me this:
a post from 4 months ago about how he's just waiting for his parents to die so they don't have to deal with him killing himself because he's unlovable.
I'm paraphrasing, but not by much.
I thought about leaving the unlovable bit off, because it's the suicide thing that's the issue but I'd be lying if part of me wasn't like, "well, I mean, I thought you were lovable and then you fucked right off and never spoke to me again so..." To be fair, it did take a few minutes for that thought to come to mind, but still.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised since neither of us was ever gonna win an award for being mentally healthy back in the day, and he specifically had been flirting with suicidal tendencies for awhile there. But it's still a punch to the gut. Maybe not for who he is these days, for that guy I don't know, but the guy I thought I knew?
I thought I had the words to sort through this at least a little but I guess I don't. It's not like I can really pop up and say hey, randomly looked you up, found this, I hope you're in a better place and don't kill yourself.
I could probably get past the it's weird part, but not so sure about the "don't think he's spared a thought for you in *does the math* decades. I don't think it'd matter.
Then again hey, if you also randomly thought of me and found your way here somehow: don't kill yourself.
I do, occasionally, though usually on FB where I pretty much immediately regret that decision because duh. It's been awhile since I had more than just the passing thought, and today's was more google and less FB. So I googled the username he used pretty much everywhere, and unlike Impy, I'm fairly certain there aren't a few people fighting for that one and search result #1 was reddit. Where I waffled back and forth before clicking because I knew I was making a mistake as I clicked anyway.
And it was, 100% a mistake, but not for the reasons I thought.
I only scrolled a bit and the universe probably spared me having to gouge my eyes out and having to set fire to my past by having a fair number of posts removed, so I can pretend maybe he's avoided some of the pitfalls of getting older and being a dude in the South, but in return it handed me this:
a post from 4 months ago about how he's just waiting for his parents to die so they don't have to deal with him killing himself because he's unlovable.
I'm paraphrasing, but not by much.
I thought about leaving the unlovable bit off, because it's the suicide thing that's the issue but I'd be lying if part of me wasn't like, "well, I mean, I thought you were lovable and then you fucked right off and never spoke to me again so..." To be fair, it did take a few minutes for that thought to come to mind, but still.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised since neither of us was ever gonna win an award for being mentally healthy back in the day, and he specifically had been flirting with suicidal tendencies for awhile there. But it's still a punch to the gut. Maybe not for who he is these days, for that guy I don't know, but the guy I thought I knew?
I thought I had the words to sort through this at least a little but I guess I don't. It's not like I can really pop up and say hey, randomly looked you up, found this, I hope you're in a better place and don't kill yourself.
I could probably get past the it's weird part, but not so sure about the "don't think he's spared a thought for you in *does the math* decades. I don't think it'd matter.
Then again hey, if you also randomly thought of me and found your way here somehow: don't kill yourself.
