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I am thoroughly confused.
May. 8th, 2004 02:43 pmFor those who don't read the news, I've been away for the past week because the ex was in town. [I think he's still in state/city lines, but he's on a bus and that doesn't count since he's going away now] Consider yourselves lucky since the last time he was here, he was here for six weeks. :p Six and a half, I think, but I'm not sure.
Anyway. Things got weird on... Wed/Thurs night when he apologized for stuff I don't even remember him doing. Or rather, I remember he did them, but only when he reminded me. Except instance #2. That I remember and wish like mad I could forget. Cryptic? Yes. But I don't know if I want to be all that forthcoming. I think people prefer fluffy Imp, and anything involving the ex is pretty much the anti-fluff. I'm dreading the call from C-ass [mainly because I don't know whether to use her for the remnants of a friendship or tell her to fuck off properly. Woe.] because she's going to ask if he and I are back together and then she'll go on planning my wedding. Which is just great, really.
Back to the apology. How the hell do you react when someone says, "How much did I hurt you?" Not in that "I want to know because I'm a sadistic bastard" way, that I know how to deal with. But in that "I really didn't know at the time and..." kind of way. How do you answer that when the only answer I have is an honest, "I don't know. I shut down. I think I'm still down, if you want to know."
Somewhere I think I left that last bit out when I answered, which is a really bad thing considering it seems kind of important to let him know I didn't turn into stoic wench, and yet... you should feel something when someone is trying to say they're sorry, even if it's mild annoyance that they're not over it like you might or might not be. Maybe that's it. Maybe it doesn't bug me? Or maybe I really did manage to lock all that raging pissed off [and I remember being really fucking pissed at him when I finally told him to shove off a cliff and die, but I can't even momentarily feel a fraction of that. Which is unusual for me.] bitchiness up and lose the key.
Which is just weird. What do you say when someone seems to be trying to win you back and you don't even feel like you? I have no idea anymore.
It's odd. I feel freakishly comfortable around him at times, like home-comfy, and then he moves a little too close, either verbally or otherwise, and I think everything in my head and the emotion parts of me turns to off and there's this little echo in my head whispering, "I don't think this is how it's supposed to be..."
Other things complicate this further, but I can't make off-hand comments about them to try and make them seem a little less weird.
But I can sum it up with the fact that I don't think I've ever wanted to be 'normal'-like everyone else seems to be- as much as I did this past week. But I don't think I am, and I don't think I'll ever be.
I also think that it's a good thing I went with my second reaction, otherwise I might be more than just sleep deprived and thus prone to melodrama.
Stalk you later.
Anyway. Things got weird on... Wed/Thurs night when he apologized for stuff I don't even remember him doing. Or rather, I remember he did them, but only when he reminded me. Except instance #2. That I remember and wish like mad I could forget. Cryptic? Yes. But I don't know if I want to be all that forthcoming. I think people prefer fluffy Imp, and anything involving the ex is pretty much the anti-fluff. I'm dreading the call from C-ass [mainly because I don't know whether to use her for the remnants of a friendship or tell her to fuck off properly. Woe.] because she's going to ask if he and I are back together and then she'll go on planning my wedding. Which is just great, really.
Back to the apology. How the hell do you react when someone says, "How much did I hurt you?" Not in that "I want to know because I'm a sadistic bastard" way, that I know how to deal with. But in that "I really didn't know at the time and..." kind of way. How do you answer that when the only answer I have is an honest, "I don't know. I shut down. I think I'm still down, if you want to know."
Somewhere I think I left that last bit out when I answered, which is a really bad thing considering it seems kind of important to let him know I didn't turn into stoic wench, and yet... you should feel something when someone is trying to say they're sorry, even if it's mild annoyance that they're not over it like you might or might not be. Maybe that's it. Maybe it doesn't bug me? Or maybe I really did manage to lock all that raging pissed off [and I remember being really fucking pissed at him when I finally told him to shove off a cliff and die, but I can't even momentarily feel a fraction of that. Which is unusual for me.] bitchiness up and lose the key.
Which is just weird. What do you say when someone seems to be trying to win you back and you don't even feel like you? I have no idea anymore.
It's odd. I feel freakishly comfortable around him at times, like home-comfy, and then he moves a little too close, either verbally or otherwise, and I think everything in my head and the emotion parts of me turns to off and there's this little echo in my head whispering, "I don't think this is how it's supposed to be..."
Other things complicate this further, but I can't make off-hand comments about them to try and make them seem a little less weird.
But I can sum it up with the fact that I don't think I've ever wanted to be 'normal'-like everyone else seems to be- as much as I did this past week. But I don't think I am, and I don't think I'll ever be.
I also think that it's a good thing I went with my second reaction, otherwise I might be more than just sleep deprived and thus prone to melodrama.
Stalk you later.
