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I feel I should explain the AG binge. I also feel I shouldn't because shiny, that's why... but maybe future!me will wonder WTF. Maybe not.
I haven't a clue as to what's going on with Ari and it's vexing me like you've no idea, really. I feel bad asking Cass but at the same time, of course I'm gonna ask, right? It's not like I gloss over her issues to ask about Ari. I hear them both.
But I feel like I'm in limbo and it's hard to fully articulate because it's such a surreal situation. She's in Atlanta with her mother and grandmother (though maybe her grandmother is gone for now?) and plans are being made for her coming back home in a few weeks. Where it sounds like her grandmother will be moving in or moving nearby to be her caretaker while D works. Which is... odd.
I know she had surgery last Tuesday to see if they could fix her vocal chord issue so that she'd be able to speak louder and swallow more easily. I was told it went well enough. She can't walk (unless that changed) and might not ever be able to.
Since I can't go to Atlanta, I've been trying to figure out how I'll fit in when she comes home and honestly, I'm getting the same thing I've been getting since hour one: the family has closed ranks so hard that unless you're on her mother's list or part of the family, or manage to tag-along at just the right time, you don't get in to see the queen. You hope your messages are passed along but really, I'm kind of doubting it based on things I've seen and heard.
The family is so very sure that they are all that matters to her recovery and... I'm not really sure I'd have a leg to stand on in saying otherwise. I'm positive that this is draining everyone involved because it's killing me being kept so far away and having no one (and I mean absolutely no-fucking-one) to talk to about it. Being there day in, day out, or not being able to, must suck in a lot of ways. In other ways, at least you have an idea of what is going on, what the future might be, and you don't have to rely on second or third-hand knowledge.
You don't get the forwards of doom that sent the person forwarding them to you into a spiral of anger and depression (always a fun mix) but have no one to talk to about them or about how fucking uncool it is to be blindsided by said email because her blindsiding was worse.
It's so weird having to entertain thoughts of the future where Ari isn't Ari. My brain is refusing to accept it, really. I hope my brain is right and it isn't just refusing to accept reality in an effort to protect me.
So. Basically, I am fixating on something fluffy because my best friend is still not here and I have to believe in her getting better to the exclusion of all other scenarios because I have no other choice.
But it's hard when the video Cass shared of her was less, "Isn't she doing well?!" and more disconcerting at best.
Annnnnnnnd since we're bleeding our emotions dry this evening, I think I am officially tired of my family. Not so much the people here although the boy has got to go. Now. Nope, the extended family who still seem to delight in excluding me. It's probably just me overreacting because I am in such a weird mood at the moment, but it still sucks when that side kind of ignores the fact that I exist. I'm tired of feeling like I don't fit in. Isn't that supposed to go away by now?
I'll just remember this for next year when I manage to win the lottery and whisk all the people I adore away for the first three months of the year so they'll be safe and near me and I won't have to worry, dammit. They can stay home and get hit by falling icicles or something.
So I'm going to go mix up the last of the icecream and the Kahlua and watch some Daria until my brain turns off properly. If that doesn't work, well, I've got the second half of a cozy mystery and some time to kill before the last MG auction ends and I find out if I'm making a "woe is me!" double order.
I haven't a clue as to what's going on with Ari and it's vexing me like you've no idea, really. I feel bad asking Cass but at the same time, of course I'm gonna ask, right? It's not like I gloss over her issues to ask about Ari. I hear them both.
But I feel like I'm in limbo and it's hard to fully articulate because it's such a surreal situation. She's in Atlanta with her mother and grandmother (though maybe her grandmother is gone for now?) and plans are being made for her coming back home in a few weeks. Where it sounds like her grandmother will be moving in or moving nearby to be her caretaker while D works. Which is... odd.
I know she had surgery last Tuesday to see if they could fix her vocal chord issue so that she'd be able to speak louder and swallow more easily. I was told it went well enough. She can't walk (unless that changed) and might not ever be able to.
Since I can't go to Atlanta, I've been trying to figure out how I'll fit in when she comes home and honestly, I'm getting the same thing I've been getting since hour one: the family has closed ranks so hard that unless you're on her mother's list or part of the family, or manage to tag-along at just the right time, you don't get in to see the queen. You hope your messages are passed along but really, I'm kind of doubting it based on things I've seen and heard.
The family is so very sure that they are all that matters to her recovery and... I'm not really sure I'd have a leg to stand on in saying otherwise. I'm positive that this is draining everyone involved because it's killing me being kept so far away and having no one (and I mean absolutely no-fucking-one) to talk to about it. Being there day in, day out, or not being able to, must suck in a lot of ways. In other ways, at least you have an idea of what is going on, what the future might be, and you don't have to rely on second or third-hand knowledge.
You don't get the forwards of doom that sent the person forwarding them to you into a spiral of anger and depression (always a fun mix) but have no one to talk to about them or about how fucking uncool it is to be blindsided by said email because her blindsiding was worse.
It's so weird having to entertain thoughts of the future where Ari isn't Ari. My brain is refusing to accept it, really. I hope my brain is right and it isn't just refusing to accept reality in an effort to protect me.
So. Basically, I am fixating on something fluffy because my best friend is still not here and I have to believe in her getting better to the exclusion of all other scenarios because I have no other choice.
But it's hard when the video Cass shared of her was less, "Isn't she doing well?!" and more disconcerting at best.
Annnnnnnnd since we're bleeding our emotions dry this evening, I think I am officially tired of my family. Not so much the people here although the boy has got to go. Now. Nope, the extended family who still seem to delight in excluding me. It's probably just me overreacting because I am in such a weird mood at the moment, but it still sucks when that side kind of ignores the fact that I exist. I'm tired of feeling like I don't fit in. Isn't that supposed to go away by now?
I'll just remember this for next year when I manage to win the lottery and whisk all the people I adore away for the first three months of the year so they'll be safe and near me and I won't have to worry, dammit. They can stay home and get hit by falling icicles or something.
So I'm going to go mix up the last of the icecream and the Kahlua and watch some Daria until my brain turns off properly. If that doesn't work, well, I've got the second half of a cozy mystery and some time to kill before the last MG auction ends and I find out if I'm making a "woe is me!" double order.
