happy birthday... to you.
Dec. 8th, 2005 09:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
impySometimes on days like this, I start thinking. Reflecting. Bsically finding an old emotional scar and picking at it to see if it still hurts, and if it does, if it's the same kind of hurt.
I do not make friends easily. I'm horrible at letting people in and when I'm in extreme emotional pain, I do not share. For this reason I tend to pry [or try to pry without actually prying] when someone seems upset. Sort of a major overcompensation, maybe. I don't know.
So when I wake up one day and realize that someone I used to consider a very, very good friend is no longer a friend, and hasn't been for quite some time, I retreat to my shell and attempt to not discuss it with anyone. This is made easier if the other people who knew said friend either didn't like them [her, in this case] very much, are delusional about the state of their friendship, or have also watched their friendship crumble. Chances are they don't want to talk about it and won't make me, even if I suspect they probably should.
But what I dislike most of all was that aftertaste that happens when you're no longer friends. The feeling that you just made, over however many years, a giant fool of yourself by telling someone all sorts of things about yourself, the way you think, and whatever you felt.
Honestly, I have no idea what killed the friendship. I'm not even sure I have theories. Usually I've got a theory or two, and not all of them involve bunnies. It wasn't as simple as I went to sleep Monday and we were friends, but when I woke up Tuesday we hated one another. It was simply she just stopped saying anything.
Was it her relationship with a friend? Was it my friendship with someone else who didn't particularly seem to like said relationship? Was it just time and I'm totally incapable of letting go before something turns sour? I'm not saying these things keep me up at night [or in the morning, in my case]
Sometimes I wonder if I could articulate pain back then, as I seem to recall she and I had conversations about shtuff. If I could, did this ability die with our friendship? If it did, did she lose anything too?
Emotional scar still hurts but has mutated.
I'm thinking and picking because it's cold and rainy and today is her birthday, something I remember without looking at a calender from four years ago.
I do not make friends easily. I'm horrible at letting people in and when I'm in extreme emotional pain, I do not share. For this reason I tend to pry [or try to pry without actually prying] when someone seems upset. Sort of a major overcompensation, maybe. I don't know.
So when I wake up one day and realize that someone I used to consider a very, very good friend is no longer a friend, and hasn't been for quite some time, I retreat to my shell and attempt to not discuss it with anyone. This is made easier if the other people who knew said friend either didn't like them [her, in this case] very much, are delusional about the state of their friendship, or have also watched their friendship crumble. Chances are they don't want to talk about it and won't make me, even if I suspect they probably should.
But what I dislike most of all was that aftertaste that happens when you're no longer friends. The feeling that you just made, over however many years, a giant fool of yourself by telling someone all sorts of things about yourself, the way you think, and whatever you felt.
Honestly, I have no idea what killed the friendship. I'm not even sure I have theories. Usually I've got a theory or two, and not all of them involve bunnies. It wasn't as simple as I went to sleep Monday and we were friends, but when I woke up Tuesday we hated one another. It was simply she just stopped saying anything.
Was it her relationship with a friend? Was it my friendship with someone else who didn't particularly seem to like said relationship? Was it just time and I'm totally incapable of letting go before something turns sour? I'm not saying these things keep me up at night [or in the morning, in my case]
Sometimes I wonder if I could articulate pain back then, as I seem to recall she and I had conversations about shtuff. If I could, did this ability die with our friendship? If it did, did she lose anything too?
Emotional scar still hurts but has mutated.
I'm thinking and picking because it's cold and rainy and today is her birthday, something I remember without looking at a calender from four years ago.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-09 12:15 am (UTC)^_^
(no subject)
Date: 2005-12-09 02:42 pm (UTC)