oh, lindsay

[impy]

So. Finally got around to watching I Know Who Killed Me. I still feel kinda nauseous. Once upon a time, horror movies and thrillers would walk that fine like between showing you just enough to unsettle you and showing you enough that you risked having people hurl in the theatre while watching the flick... presuming it made it to an actual movie theatre. Had I watched this while munching my pizza the other night, I think there would have been serious complications. I'm squeamish. Much of the movie? Not for the squeamish or even those who don't mind a little gore. Cuz, ew.

I liked the general idea [Aubrey disappears, horrible things are done to her, she's found by the side of the road somewhere, taken to the hospital, wakes up, proclaims she ain't Aubrey, annnnd cue the rest of the movie.] and we've mentioned the Lindsay love before. So when Christmas came and went and there was no copy under my tree, I Netflixed it.
I'm still not sure if I wish I hadn't.



Cuz I think somene has it on their Netflix queue, and it's rude to spoil things.

The gag worthy stuff? Watching Dakota sew her finger back on. I thought I would hurl as the scene lasted so frickin' long. I get the idea! Horror! Gross! It sucks massively to be her! Could I get a barf bag over here, please?

Second issue: I couldn't see half the damned thing, with their red filters and their blue... I'm not sure if this is just my screen and the rising sun, or if the movie was entirely too dark in it's attempt to set atmosphere. If it's the latter, you know what else would have helped? Better music. Jarring and I swear, some of it seemed lifted straight from older horror movies, which would have been fine if that was the vibe they were going for. Uh, it wasn't.

Third: The ending, or lack thereof. Why? Why is this guy going around removing their hands and feet? I get WHY the hands/feet are removed, but not why he's got artificial limbs hanging from the ceiling. Hands/feet were taken as they were used in the playing of the piano. Duh. I got that. I gather the first victim quit her lessons, too, but why, oh why, does this enrage the guy enough to kill these two? Just a case of wasted talent and a couple of screws loose? Bother.

Anyway. I liked the general idea, especially the twins/stigmatic twins aspect. Why? Cuz I like my stuff weird, and somewhere around here I still have a movie ticket stub from when I saw Stigmata, so... yes. If most people take that as the moment to leave the room, I'm cheering because I can suspend my disbelief for that. Especially if it means we're done with the stripping scenes which are dull and the anti-sexy. Which I don't think was meant to be the point at all. Bring on the theory that if you hit the jackpot, you'll find that one set of twins that all you have to do is inflict pain on one and you can watch the pain manifest in exactly the same way on the other. It's no more farfetched than any of the thriller SVH books. :P So that I'm good with.

I'm also good with the thought that Dakota was a personality created to deal with the torture inflicted on Aubrey.

I'd have been good if Aubrey had been offed by the gardener [or someone else entirely] and Dakota just happened to be picked up by Aubrey's demented piano teacher who thought she was Aubrey and boy, won't he be pissed to find out he tortured the wrong girl?

The interesting bit in all of these isn't the physical torture, but the emotional fallout. Which is flirted with when Aubrey's parents bring Dakota home and try and force their daughter to return instead of this foul mouthed stripping skank who can't go an entire scene without using some form of the word fuck.

Yet we can't escape the gore or the really bad stripping, so the movie loses a star for that. It also loses a star for a couple of wait, wtf moments:

Wanna see if Dakota is Aubrey? CHECK HER DAMN FINGERPRINTS. I remember my MacGuyver, dammit, and that one episode about the twin who assumes her twin's life when the other one dies and Mac is all, dude, fingerprints and also, uncool, twin #2. Uncool. Instead they run a DNA check on the girl and naturally, it's the same. You think? You really, really think? DNA test Ma & Pa, too, wouldja? Just to see if there was a mixup, or if Dad bought the baby from the crackwhore down the way?

Kay, I can overlook the DNA thing, but what I can't figure out is why no one went to wherever Dakota is from and asked around at the strip club. I'd imagine she made an impression, what with the blood loss and all. Come on, SVU can handle the strip joints, why can't you guys?

But my last remaining thread of sanity snapped when Daniel and Dakota go to find Aubrey, neither with a cellphone, and despite having Dakota guarded like Fort friggin' Knox earlier, she's now able to come and go as she pleases? No. Way.


I imagine that when people signed on, the movie at least read better than it managed to come across. None of the acting made my eyes bleed horribly, it was more like chunks of the movie disappeared and what was left made little WTF bubbles appear over your head too often... plus, really difficult to see. Also, Linds, the fake 'n bake tan thing? Really, really poor choice for this movie.

I love that all the stills for the movie are clear and pretty and you can see what the hell was going on, cuz there's no way you'd see that in the actual movie. Oi. Julia Ormond was really pretty throughout the movie, so there's that to recommend it, too.

I'm going to go finish It had to be you and cross my heart and hope to spy. Need something to distract me from memories of the... the less said, the better, I imagine. Also, where was I when they finally put The Parent Trap 2 on DVD? The moment I get paid Friday, I know what I'm getting. :D