If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Dec. 29th, 2008 06:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
impyFor whatever reason, I really like this song. I still get the insane giggles at the band's name, though. The joys of VH1 being the only ones in the game [that I get] playing the occasional music video in the morning is that I get to see like 5 videos a week. If I'm lucky they aren't all the same one. And as I do with most songs I never hear on the radio, I knew the moment I heard it and thought, "what the hell is this?" that it would be stuck in my damn head. And what do you know? Totally right. Go figure.
Let's turn this down a notch on the happy scale. For the first time in, I don't know, five years or so, I found the perfect Christmas card for someone. Granted, this was well after the fact, holiday time wise, but it was also too frickin' late in the game seeing as that ship went down back in... hell. I don't know when exactly I would classify that as having died. And after having only thought of it briefly, and after having been so good that it was almost scary this holiday season, I damn near broke down Saturday night. I don't break down in public. I don't cry, I don't scream, and I only resist the urge to kill people [or even have the urge] if there's something that pushes me to the breaking point. [I'm thinking of you, Beef Jerky Mama!] But come Saturday, I don't know, maybe it was the lack of drugs to make me feel better. Maybe it was having been sick since the month started. Maybe it was finally finding the perfect card [and then another!] and spending yet another freakin' holiday by myself as other people complained about having to spend a few hours apart... I don't know.
I was good. I promised that I would not spend the season bitching about being alone. I wouldn't spend the season actively wishing a rain of anvils on whatever town/city/whatever he happens to be in. And I didn't. Any of my holiday misery was focused on the fact that I felt like crap for most of the month and people kept springing expenses on me. Really. The songs that broke my heart every other year just made me smile, perhaps a smidge on the wistful side.
Is it too much to have asked for a proper send off? I'm not even asking for a knock-down fight. Just a simple "yeah... no. Sorry,' where the sorry isn't even genuine.
Of course, more than that, really... I kind of expected, I don't know, someone to give a right royal damn other than me. But no. Those far away are given a free pass. What can you do? Exactly. You can't send booze. :P
Anyway, truthfully I expected it to hurt less now. Really stupid, I guess, to think that, but I did. It doesn't. Wake up, do my thing, halfway through the door think, "I hope it's snowing and the hearing aids are toast." Go about my day, occasionally thinking, "Asshole." See or hear something that sparks a memory I could live without. Repeat with varying degrees of success in not thinking about him as much the next day. Obviously some days work out better than others.
It's funny. It's as over as I suspect it'll ever be, this is all I'll get short of actually running into him, and I still haven't found the words to say it aloud to Ari. Said it to Cass and she immediately said, "You heard from him?" and when I said no, we somehow managed to twist the conversation around to her. ...That's skill, guys. Skill.
The cat is sliding down my arm. Need the other books in the Gossip Girl: Carlyles series as I think I like just about everyone in these more than I did most of the original cast, Blair excluded. [Book wise. TV is another ball of awesome unto itself, though Blair is still awesome, just less crazy on TV.]
My ears itch. [/random]
Let's turn this down a notch on the happy scale. For the first time in, I don't know, five years or so, I found the perfect Christmas card for someone. Granted, this was well after the fact, holiday time wise, but it was also too frickin' late in the game seeing as that ship went down back in... hell. I don't know when exactly I would classify that as having died. And after having only thought of it briefly, and after having been so good that it was almost scary this holiday season, I damn near broke down Saturday night. I don't break down in public. I don't cry, I don't scream, and I only resist the urge to kill people [or even have the urge] if there's something that pushes me to the breaking point. [I'm thinking of you, Beef Jerky Mama!] But come Saturday, I don't know, maybe it was the lack of drugs to make me feel better. Maybe it was having been sick since the month started. Maybe it was finally finding the perfect card [and then another!] and spending yet another freakin' holiday by myself as other people complained about having to spend a few hours apart... I don't know.
I was good. I promised that I would not spend the season bitching about being alone. I wouldn't spend the season actively wishing a rain of anvils on whatever town/city/whatever he happens to be in. And I didn't. Any of my holiday misery was focused on the fact that I felt like crap for most of the month and people kept springing expenses on me. Really. The songs that broke my heart every other year just made me smile, perhaps a smidge on the wistful side.
Is it too much to have asked for a proper send off? I'm not even asking for a knock-down fight. Just a simple "yeah... no. Sorry,' where the sorry isn't even genuine.
Of course, more than that, really... I kind of expected, I don't know, someone to give a right royal damn other than me. But no. Those far away are given a free pass. What can you do? Exactly. You can't send booze. :P
Anyway, truthfully I expected it to hurt less now. Really stupid, I guess, to think that, but I did. It doesn't. Wake up, do my thing, halfway through the door think, "I hope it's snowing and the hearing aids are toast." Go about my day, occasionally thinking, "Asshole." See or hear something that sparks a memory I could live without. Repeat with varying degrees of success in not thinking about him as much the next day. Obviously some days work out better than others.
It's funny. It's as over as I suspect it'll ever be, this is all I'll get short of actually running into him, and I still haven't found the words to say it aloud to Ari. Said it to Cass and she immediately said, "You heard from him?" and when I said no, we somehow managed to twist the conversation around to her. ...That's skill, guys. Skill.
The cat is sliding down my arm. Need the other books in the Gossip Girl: Carlyles series as I think I like just about everyone in these more than I did most of the original cast, Blair excluded. [Book wise. TV is another ball of awesome unto itself, though Blair is still awesome, just less crazy on TV.]
My ears itch. [/random]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-30 05:30 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-31 12:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-30 07:19 am (UTC)BTW, let me know what Carlyles you need and I'll see if I can snag them from those editors.
re: Snagging
Date: 2008-12-30 07:19 am (UTC)