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impyIn the spirit of the holiday, I thought I would share the beginning of the middle.
I don't recall the year, it might have been 1998, it might have been 1999, Ari and I were both without Valentines. Cass, as usual, had Alvin, although that in itself was a bit of a problem. But she had someone. I don't really remember how it happened, because I'll be the first to tell you this: I'm completely dense when it comes to realizing someone likes me. I just never see it. I can think of at least three people who have told me later that they originally drifted into my orbit because they were at least mildly interested but I never got it. So. Clueless. Got that?
My closest in a non physical sort of way guy friend was probably Ryan. We met [hence this is the start of the middle, not the start of the start] on IRC and this is where we did most of our talking, though by this point we'd talked on the phone, too. It was decided, and I think most of this was at the pushing of Nebs [a mutual friend whose friendship I mourn every year] that he would be our Valentine. We would share. It would be awesome, yes.
And it worked. We spent part of the holiday here, drinking [as that's what you do when you're underage and you know, I never once got into an accident with any of my friends so long as we stuck to the rule that if you drank, your ass stayed put] as well as trying to watch classic 80's movies [The Breakfast Club we made it through, Say Anything we did not] and then part of it at her place where he called and the kicker here is this:
She spent most of the time talking to him. They got along great. Better than he and I did over the phone, actually. I sort of resented it at the time because I'd pretty much figured out that all of my friends liked each other better than they liked ME and that always stings, but I was also happy enough to sit there on the couch, flipping through a deep sea book of weird creatures while she flitted around the house, laughing and chatting and just being your average sixteen/seventeen girl on the phone. Sadly that is the best memory I have of them together. On the phone excluding me. Pretty book, though. [In person she would encourage people to boo him and hope he fell off a climbing wall and then would exclude us to the point of insanity and it remains the deaf elephant in the room with us.]
So what, you ask, does this have to do with the middle other than being a story that kind of blows? Shortly thereafter, especially if it was '99, Nebs decided to push the two of us together. She got it into her head that since I wasn't attached and he wasn't, and so many of our friends were [or were purposefully ignoring the person they SHOULD be with] that she would manipulate us until we got it into our heads that weird plus weird equals superfantastic.
I think he caught on first. Yes. I am so clueless that he of the less than clueless caught on before I did. He pulled me aside, as much as one can on IRC, and asked if I realized she was totally playing matchmaker. When it's put to you that way, yeah, you do realize it. Or you pretend. I finally put the pieces together and admitted yeah, subtle the Canadian wasn't, but wasn't it kind of funny and sweet as well? Not going to happen, mind you, because I was sure he was still stuck on someone else and besides, hello distance, right? Plus you have to think there's a chance something will go anywhere before you consider it a viable option.
And he was talking to Nebs at the same time as he was with me [fair enough since I was, too] and he and I jokingly decided to give 'em something to talk about. The words were used, no less.
Still mostly clueless. Until nebs used the greatest of all internet tools. The cut and paste. Where he admitted that I Am Awesome [because seventeen me really was, let's not lie] but also Clueless. And no amount of hinting, though he was trying, was getting through to me, so obviously I was either not interested or possibly an idiot. Nebs was betting on idiot.
I... still don't remember if all that, Valentine's excluded, happened before or after our IRC wedding which, to me, was just a joke, but I still considered it our anniversary later, because it was easier to remember than anything else. What's missing from this retelling is the giddy sense of joy, the completely weird sensation of realizing this guy who was so different from me [outgoing to the point of being semi-obnoxious at times whereas I am painfully shy to this day] got me and in return I got him and we were on such similar weird wavelengths that it worked despite it seeming like it would be impossible... the weird feeling you get when you realize other people have been talking about you behind your back, but not in a bad way...
The sooner he stops appearing in my dreams and people stop reminding me of him, the better things will probably be. I miss someone who doesn't exist anymore, and you'd think that as often as that happens to me, I'd be used to it on some level, but I'm not and I don't think I ever will be.
Oh, and I've only had someone go all out for Valentine's Day, on the actual day, once. He had roses delivered and I was so giddy... and a month later he broke my heart to itsy bitsy pieces. So I think the Valentine's Day I was thinking of was actually '99 after all.
Despite the content, I'm not approaching this one with dread. It's just another day and one of these years it'll be more and it won't end in "and then things went 'splodey!" See? Optimism.
I still want to buy myself something shiny though.
According to this map, I am an anomaly. I call it soda. I... don't really think that many people around here just call all soft drinks soda. So, um, fail?
I don't recall the year, it might have been 1998, it might have been 1999, Ari and I were both without Valentines. Cass, as usual, had Alvin, although that in itself was a bit of a problem. But she had someone. I don't really remember how it happened, because I'll be the first to tell you this: I'm completely dense when it comes to realizing someone likes me. I just never see it. I can think of at least three people who have told me later that they originally drifted into my orbit because they were at least mildly interested but I never got it. So. Clueless. Got that?
My closest in a non physical sort of way guy friend was probably Ryan. We met [hence this is the start of the middle, not the start of the start] on IRC and this is where we did most of our talking, though by this point we'd talked on the phone, too. It was decided, and I think most of this was at the pushing of Nebs [a mutual friend whose friendship I mourn every year] that he would be our Valentine. We would share. It would be awesome, yes.
And it worked. We spent part of the holiday here, drinking [as that's what you do when you're underage and you know, I never once got into an accident with any of my friends so long as we stuck to the rule that if you drank, your ass stayed put] as well as trying to watch classic 80's movies [The Breakfast Club we made it through, Say Anything we did not] and then part of it at her place where he called and the kicker here is this:
She spent most of the time talking to him. They got along great. Better than he and I did over the phone, actually. I sort of resented it at the time because I'd pretty much figured out that all of my friends liked each other better than they liked ME and that always stings, but I was also happy enough to sit there on the couch, flipping through a deep sea book of weird creatures while she flitted around the house, laughing and chatting and just being your average sixteen/seventeen girl on the phone. Sadly that is the best memory I have of them together. On the phone excluding me. Pretty book, though. [In person she would encourage people to boo him and hope he fell off a climbing wall and then would exclude us to the point of insanity and it remains the deaf elephant in the room with us.]
So what, you ask, does this have to do with the middle other than being a story that kind of blows? Shortly thereafter, especially if it was '99, Nebs decided to push the two of us together. She got it into her head that since I wasn't attached and he wasn't, and so many of our friends were [or were purposefully ignoring the person they SHOULD be with] that she would manipulate us until we got it into our heads that weird plus weird equals superfantastic.
I think he caught on first. Yes. I am so clueless that he of the less than clueless caught on before I did. He pulled me aside, as much as one can on IRC, and asked if I realized she was totally playing matchmaker. When it's put to you that way, yeah, you do realize it. Or you pretend. I finally put the pieces together and admitted yeah, subtle the Canadian wasn't, but wasn't it kind of funny and sweet as well? Not going to happen, mind you, because I was sure he was still stuck on someone else and besides, hello distance, right? Plus you have to think there's a chance something will go anywhere before you consider it a viable option.
And he was talking to Nebs at the same time as he was with me [fair enough since I was, too] and he and I jokingly decided to give 'em something to talk about. The words were used, no less.
Still mostly clueless. Until nebs used the greatest of all internet tools. The cut and paste. Where he admitted that I Am Awesome [because seventeen me really was, let's not lie] but also Clueless. And no amount of hinting, though he was trying, was getting through to me, so obviously I was either not interested or possibly an idiot. Nebs was betting on idiot.
I... still don't remember if all that, Valentine's excluded, happened before or after our IRC wedding which, to me, was just a joke, but I still considered it our anniversary later, because it was easier to remember than anything else. What's missing from this retelling is the giddy sense of joy, the completely weird sensation of realizing this guy who was so different from me [outgoing to the point of being semi-obnoxious at times whereas I am painfully shy to this day] got me and in return I got him and we were on such similar weird wavelengths that it worked despite it seeming like it would be impossible... the weird feeling you get when you realize other people have been talking about you behind your back, but not in a bad way...
The sooner he stops appearing in my dreams and people stop reminding me of him, the better things will probably be. I miss someone who doesn't exist anymore, and you'd think that as often as that happens to me, I'd be used to it on some level, but I'm not and I don't think I ever will be.
Oh, and I've only had someone go all out for Valentine's Day, on the actual day, once. He had roses delivered and I was so giddy... and a month later he broke my heart to itsy bitsy pieces. So I think the Valentine's Day I was thinking of was actually '99 after all.
Despite the content, I'm not approaching this one with dread. It's just another day and one of these years it'll be more and it won't end in "and then things went 'splodey!" See? Optimism.
I still want to buy myself something shiny though.
According to this map, I am an anomaly. I call it soda. I... don't really think that many people around here just call all soft drinks soda. So, um, fail?
