Less fluffy
Jul. 24th, 2017 09:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
impyDear caffeine, please hit my system soon so I'm less cranky and whiny and basically less of a brat. Or, if that's not possible, could I at least not realize how much of a brat I am? I could be blissfully unaware and that could be fun, too.
Let's see. This is going to basically jump around as my interest comes in waves and also I'm in a mood.
The less fluffy stuff first, I suppose.
We're cutting because this helps me feel more organized or so that when I flip back by this, if I don't want to immediately remember what a headcase I can be, I don't have to see it. Anyway, I mentioned my cousin died last week. His memorial (it seems weird to say burial as he's been cremated but I think they're putting his ashes with my grandparents in MD) is in early August. Part of me wants to go, to say goodbye and to maybe see other people. Mostly to pay my respects, honestly. But I also know that we really can't afford for me to go and the thought of being surrounded by SO MANY PEOPLE I don't know all that well, even if we're family, makes me start to freak out. Especially since it'll be multiple states away and not an easy escape. Or no escape, really.
Thing is, my uncle (on Mom's side, cousin is on Dad's side) I think has offered to pay for me to go up if I want to. It's possible Mom just thinks he has but it's possible, and I'm pretty sure even if he hasn't offered, he would lend me the money if I asked. And I've thought about it. But I don't know how much of me not wanting to go is me being a chickenshit and how much is just... in this case, I don't think I'll have much to offer aside from being there, and even that is iffy at best. I don't feel super comfortable around the extended family and I don't know whether it's all in my head or if it really is a case of them loving my brother and I'm just... there. I'd really only be going to say goodbye to Mike and to give my love to his sister. I can say goodbye to Mike wherever. It'd be different if I thought the boy needed me to come along but he hasn't said anything.
Also also, I don't know if I'd want to leave Mums alone. Plus I'm pretty sure my brother is going to use the time on the back end of the trip to chat with my aunt about his moving up there later this year and I probably don't want to be around for that. Dunno.
So the tl;dr version is I want to go but I don't want to go and I'm angsting about it.
Went out yesterday with Ari & D. We hit the mall and stopped at the foodcourt so she could eat and we chatted and it was nice and weird all at the same time, as all things with Ari will probably be until the end of forever. I think I caught her on a not so great day (not bad, just not... great?) but I don't know for sure. I hadn't seen her in forever for a variety of reasons (namely, I'm 92% sure her uncle, who had a stroke sometime within the last year, moved in with them and things have been extra chaotic and also I am very good at flaking on things but so are they) so I did not flake this time. She put her head on my shoulder at lunch which was nice because hey, sweet and also weird because pre-Incident Ari wouldn't have done so unless she was dead tired or hiding from something in a scary movie. But a new normal is to be expected, so you roll with it and as far as things go, it's a nice change.
Wandered around FYE while D did an exchange and I debated buying all kinds of useless stuff I don't need but decided to save my money in case we hit another store with more interesting useless stuff for cheaper. We did not, so I didn't spend my money. Huzzah.
Then we went back to their house and basically watched movies. Watched You've Got Mail which I know I watched way back when and fucking hated but I don't remember if Ari and I watched it together or if it was one where we both saw it, but not together. In any case, I figured I might as well give it another shot. Sometimes you change enough to appreciate movies you previously disliked.
NOPE. I'd forgotten it opened with them blatantly emotionally cheating on their SOs and basically coasting on, "hey, you liked Sleepless in Seattle, right?" to gloss over that. Sigh. On the plus side, at least D was just as outraged by the ending as I was when I first saw it. FINALLY. I swear, when it first came out people would get really upset if you said you didn't like it, especially if you were at all computer friendly. "B-but you should love this movie!" No. I shouldn't. Because it is AWFUL. So vindication at last!
So it was a weird visit in that it kind of felt like being in high school again, but without the best parts of that. Just the feeling like her mother kind of dislikes me (which isn't something I've felt in awhile but I'll be damned if I didn't spend half my time at the house getting the distinct impression we'd moved back however many paces) which was probably not helped by her making eleven billion happy birthday calls to people and FB's earlier "hey, you missed this post from her about someone else's birthday and no, none for you" like... kay. I mean, I've only been best friends with both of your daughters for 25 years but whatever. But, like the cousin thing, could just be all in my head. Could not be. I don't think it would bug me as much if not for my feeling like a jerk for not having seen Ari more so... guilt. Skews with your world view and all that.
It didn't really help that D called Cass while we were out near her house and she was busy, but I got the impression that he'd already talked to her about hanging out (as in bringing Ari to her so she could avoid the having to do all the random chores she gets saddled with when she goes to Ari's) and then she went and made other plans. Which sounds petty but half the time the people she's made plans with are kind of awful. (The other half of the time the people are awesome. Obviously.)
Yes. I am the friend who will judge the shit out of your other friends but I no longer share that view with you unless you specifically ask. I also try and get over the judgement before it becomes A Thing and usually it isn't triggered to begin with until you tell me a 'funny' story about how this person is an ass and I'm supposed to laugh. Like, haha, you'll never believe what happened with my new friend Caitlin! She told me, ha, no seriously, this is hilarious, that my husband is totally her type and if we ever decided on an open marriage I should let her know. Ha!
Yeah, surprise surprise, Caitlin turned out to be a racist awful human being. It only took Cass like four years to see it.
Went off on a tangent there, but basically Cass seems to rotate through her friends (because it happens) and lately she's been with the awful ones. Meh.
So my visit with Ari was a mixed bag.
That went and got long. Not sure if I feel better having vented or if the caffeine finally kicked in but I'll take it either way.
I think I'll put the fluffier stuff in its own post and leave this as just needing to ramble.
Let's see. This is going to basically jump around as my interest comes in waves and also I'm in a mood.
The less fluffy stuff first, I suppose.
We're cutting because this helps me feel more organized or so that when I flip back by this, if I don't want to immediately remember what a headcase I can be, I don't have to see it. Anyway, I mentioned my cousin died last week. His memorial (it seems weird to say burial as he's been cremated but I think they're putting his ashes with my grandparents in MD) is in early August. Part of me wants to go, to say goodbye and to maybe see other people. Mostly to pay my respects, honestly. But I also know that we really can't afford for me to go and the thought of being surrounded by SO MANY PEOPLE I don't know all that well, even if we're family, makes me start to freak out. Especially since it'll be multiple states away and not an easy escape. Or no escape, really.
Thing is, my uncle (on Mom's side, cousin is on Dad's side) I think has offered to pay for me to go up if I want to. It's possible Mom just thinks he has but it's possible, and I'm pretty sure even if he hasn't offered, he would lend me the money if I asked. And I've thought about it. But I don't know how much of me not wanting to go is me being a chickenshit and how much is just... in this case, I don't think I'll have much to offer aside from being there, and even that is iffy at best. I don't feel super comfortable around the extended family and I don't know whether it's all in my head or if it really is a case of them loving my brother and I'm just... there. I'd really only be going to say goodbye to Mike and to give my love to his sister. I can say goodbye to Mike wherever. It'd be different if I thought the boy needed me to come along but he hasn't said anything.
Also also, I don't know if I'd want to leave Mums alone. Plus I'm pretty sure my brother is going to use the time on the back end of the trip to chat with my aunt about his moving up there later this year and I probably don't want to be around for that. Dunno.
So the tl;dr version is I want to go but I don't want to go and I'm angsting about it.
Went out yesterday with Ari & D. We hit the mall and stopped at the foodcourt so she could eat and we chatted and it was nice and weird all at the same time, as all things with Ari will probably be until the end of forever. I think I caught her on a not so great day (not bad, just not... great?) but I don't know for sure. I hadn't seen her in forever for a variety of reasons (namely, I'm 92% sure her uncle, who had a stroke sometime within the last year, moved in with them and things have been extra chaotic and also I am very good at flaking on things but so are they) so I did not flake this time. She put her head on my shoulder at lunch which was nice because hey, sweet and also weird because pre-Incident Ari wouldn't have done so unless she was dead tired or hiding from something in a scary movie. But a new normal is to be expected, so you roll with it and as far as things go, it's a nice change.
Wandered around FYE while D did an exchange and I debated buying all kinds of useless stuff I don't need but decided to save my money in case we hit another store with more interesting useless stuff for cheaper. We did not, so I didn't spend my money. Huzzah.
Then we went back to their house and basically watched movies. Watched You've Got Mail which I know I watched way back when and fucking hated but I don't remember if Ari and I watched it together or if it was one where we both saw it, but not together. In any case, I figured I might as well give it another shot. Sometimes you change enough to appreciate movies you previously disliked.
NOPE. I'd forgotten it opened with them blatantly emotionally cheating on their SOs and basically coasting on, "hey, you liked Sleepless in Seattle, right?" to gloss over that. Sigh. On the plus side, at least D was just as outraged by the ending as I was when I first saw it. FINALLY. I swear, when it first came out people would get really upset if you said you didn't like it, especially if you were at all computer friendly. "B-but you should love this movie!" No. I shouldn't. Because it is AWFUL. So vindication at last!
So it was a weird visit in that it kind of felt like being in high school again, but without the best parts of that. Just the feeling like her mother kind of dislikes me (which isn't something I've felt in awhile but I'll be damned if I didn't spend half my time at the house getting the distinct impression we'd moved back however many paces) which was probably not helped by her making eleven billion happy birthday calls to people and FB's earlier "hey, you missed this post from her about someone else's birthday and no, none for you" like... kay. I mean, I've only been best friends with both of your daughters for 25 years but whatever. But, like the cousin thing, could just be all in my head. Could not be. I don't think it would bug me as much if not for my feeling like a jerk for not having seen Ari more so... guilt. Skews with your world view and all that.
It didn't really help that D called Cass while we were out near her house and she was busy, but I got the impression that he'd already talked to her about hanging out (as in bringing Ari to her so she could avoid the having to do all the random chores she gets saddled with when she goes to Ari's) and then she went and made other plans. Which sounds petty but half the time the people she's made plans with are kind of awful. (The other half of the time the people are awesome. Obviously.)
Yes. I am the friend who will judge the shit out of your other friends but I no longer share that view with you unless you specifically ask. I also try and get over the judgement before it becomes A Thing and usually it isn't triggered to begin with until you tell me a 'funny' story about how this person is an ass and I'm supposed to laugh. Like, haha, you'll never believe what happened with my new friend Caitlin! She told me, ha, no seriously, this is hilarious, that my husband is totally her type and if we ever decided on an open marriage I should let her know. Ha!
Yeah, surprise surprise, Caitlin turned out to be a racist awful human being. It only took Cass like four years to see it.
Went off on a tangent there, but basically Cass seems to rotate through her friends (because it happens) and lately she's been with the awful ones. Meh.
So my visit with Ari was a mixed bag.
That went and got long. Not sure if I feel better having vented or if the caffeine finally kicked in but I'll take it either way.
I think I'll put the fluffier stuff in its own post and leave this as just needing to ramble.
