chasing tornados
Jun. 6th, 2004 01:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
impyLa. See what happens when you don't sleep and your friends won't fucking answer the phone and you start to hear songs surround you in a wall of wacky? Yes. If you read this, be aware that it mostly likely sucks [I don't say this to beg for compliments, I mean it] but it probably works best if you have a song cranked really loud to the point where you're slightly wonky with the music. Kay?
Tina sits in the middle of her room, legs crossed Indian style. The lights are off and the stereo is on. Music pours from the speakers and Tina can feel it beating in time with her heart. She's not sure, but sometimes it seems like she is the music. But only certain songs. She can't be all the songs as that wouldn't be right somehow. But certain songs come on and she can feel herself change. During those songs she falls onto her back and stretches her arms out to the ceiling. Only she can't see the ceiling. She's reaching for something else entirely and she never seems to find it. But that doesn't stop her from trying. Nothing stops her from trying. When the song ends, and they always do, she snaps back into her sitting position.
She stays there for days.
Every so often her mother comes by to change a CD [but never number two. Never that one] and prod Tina into bathing. If she's lucky, she manages to get Tina to eat something and not just pick at the food she puts before her daughter. Not often enough to make her stop worrying, but enough that she's no longer afraid that Tina will starve somehow.
Tina showers and eats enough to pacify her mother and then she sits back on the floor, soaking wet, and turns the music back on. She may be a zombie when it's playing, but she's dead when it's not.
Sometimes she cries for hours. Not the heartrenching sobs she expected, but a continuous waterfall of pain that slips from her eyes. It's not what she expected, but somehow she's sure that it never is.
Sometimes she feels nothing. Absolutely nothing. Even the special songs can't touch her then. Nothing can stop the nothing...
After a couple of days without any interruptions, Tina can see the music. The songs come out of the speakers and turn into people right in front of her. This sounds more magic than it is. She's not surprised by this. It just happens. Like breathing. One minute they're a song, the next minute they're alive and sitting next to her. Sometimes they talk to her. Sometimes they listen to all the words she is unable to say. Mostly they dance. They dance in all the ways she is unable to. Free. Unselfconscious. Happy. Sad. Everything in between. And this almost makes her smile, a real smile like she used to before. Until she realizes what her face is doing and then they all stop dancing and fade into nothing.
Tina turns the sound up and claws the sky, tears pooling in her ears because she won't wipe a single tear away.
It's been three months. Three months. She's only aware of the date because she somehow switched to a morning radio show.
Car accidents and weather reports. Celebrity scandals. Everything was different. Everything was the same. Nothing was right anymore.
The song came on. And instead of the song, she saw him. He stood next to her for a second before sitting down.
She turned to stare, eyes wide with disbelief and more than a little hope. He slipped his arms around her and pulled her so close that it actually hurt. Physically hurt. But he was there and because of that simple fact, the pain didn't matter. If he was there, he couldn't possibly be...
"Let me go," he whispered before disappearing in a sea of tears. In time with the music, naturally.
Tina opened her mouth and screamed.
Loud and long, so long that she pushed past the point where it became more than a little uncomfortable and past the point where her throat was raw and no sound would come out anymore. She continued to scream even when nothing was left because it hurt too much to stop. It was the only thing she had left.
So she continued to scream in absolute silence.
Tina sits in the middle of her room, legs crossed Indian style. The lights are off and the stereo is on. Music pours from the speakers and Tina can feel it beating in time with her heart. She's not sure, but sometimes it seems like she is the music. But only certain songs. She can't be all the songs as that wouldn't be right somehow. But certain songs come on and she can feel herself change. During those songs she falls onto her back and stretches her arms out to the ceiling. Only she can't see the ceiling. She's reaching for something else entirely and she never seems to find it. But that doesn't stop her from trying. Nothing stops her from trying. When the song ends, and they always do, she snaps back into her sitting position.
She stays there for days.
Every so often her mother comes by to change a CD [but never number two. Never that one] and prod Tina into bathing. If she's lucky, she manages to get Tina to eat something and not just pick at the food she puts before her daughter. Not often enough to make her stop worrying, but enough that she's no longer afraid that Tina will starve somehow.
Tina showers and eats enough to pacify her mother and then she sits back on the floor, soaking wet, and turns the music back on. She may be a zombie when it's playing, but she's dead when it's not.
Sometimes she cries for hours. Not the heartrenching sobs she expected, but a continuous waterfall of pain that slips from her eyes. It's not what she expected, but somehow she's sure that it never is.
Sometimes she feels nothing. Absolutely nothing. Even the special songs can't touch her then. Nothing can stop the nothing...
After a couple of days without any interruptions, Tina can see the music. The songs come out of the speakers and turn into people right in front of her. This sounds more magic than it is. She's not surprised by this. It just happens. Like breathing. One minute they're a song, the next minute they're alive and sitting next to her. Sometimes they talk to her. Sometimes they listen to all the words she is unable to say. Mostly they dance. They dance in all the ways she is unable to. Free. Unselfconscious. Happy. Sad. Everything in between. And this almost makes her smile, a real smile like she used to before. Until she realizes what her face is doing and then they all stop dancing and fade into nothing.
Tina turns the sound up and claws the sky, tears pooling in her ears because she won't wipe a single tear away.
It's been three months. Three months. She's only aware of the date because she somehow switched to a morning radio show.
Car accidents and weather reports. Celebrity scandals. Everything was different. Everything was the same. Nothing was right anymore.
The song came on. And instead of the song, she saw him. He stood next to her for a second before sitting down.
She turned to stare, eyes wide with disbelief and more than a little hope. He slipped his arms around her and pulled her so close that it actually hurt. Physically hurt. But he was there and because of that simple fact, the pain didn't matter. If he was there, he couldn't possibly be...
"Let me go," he whispered before disappearing in a sea of tears. In time with the music, naturally.
Tina opened her mouth and screamed.
Loud and long, so long that she pushed past the point where it became more than a little uncomfortable and past the point where her throat was raw and no sound would come out anymore. She continued to scream even when nothing was left because it hurt too much to stop. It was the only thing she had left.
So she continued to scream in absolute silence.
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Date: 2004-06-05 11:42 pm (UTC)