oof

[impy]

Went to Ben's funeral yesterday and I'm just going to ramble a bit about it.

It was hot as fuck and not even technically all that hot, but when the car's AC doesn't work and it's nothing but sunshine and the occasional fat, fluffy cloud, it's gonna be hot. The kind of day you'd normally find my brother and Ben heading out somewhere to do something, so I guess as far as fitting days to see someone off, this worked.

I was right when I suggested that we leave a little earlier because the road the church is on is also the only way to the beach, so... yeah. First full Friday with no school and it's sunny as hell? Yup, everyone was beachward bound.

Well.

Not everyone.


Widget, Mums, and I got out of the car and I saw my brother appear from a car, along with Kevin (the boy's childhood BFF), Kevin's wife and their (her?) kids, as well as a few other people I don't know but feel like I should. Like I've never met Kevin's wife before and I'm only guessing that's who she is because they all sat together. Someone I'm *sure* I'm supposed to know fixed Widget's tie for him (my brother had it with him; apparently all the dudes in the know were sporting Carolina Panthers ties) and we headed for the church. I don't think I've ever set foot in Nativity before, actually. Not the church proper, anyway. I did a summer camp there (not church related, btw) one year but I don't think we were really allowed inside anything during that.

Signed the guestbook and it was like I'd never written my own name before. Brother hugged Ben's mama and told her he wanted to say something, so she and the priest figured out where to slot him in. I looked around for a coworker's husband but didn't see him. I looked at the little handout they give you so you can follow along with the service (but like, not everything, which was a choice given how few Catholics were in attendance and how few of those who were knew when to join in) and realized that other than his name on the front, there was nothing about Ben to be found inside. Which followed through the service, if I'm honest. I admit I haven't been to a lot of funerals and the ones I have have been stretched out over 40 or so years and were all different from each other, but some do seem to do a better job of capturing the spirit of the departed.

There was a bit where the priest gave a few bits that sounded ripped right from the obit and that was about it for most of the time. I had a moment fairly early on when I got hit by just how sad it is that there was so little of Ben to be found in his own funeral and then wondered if the funerals I'd missed for my coworkers over the last few years had been different.

Realized I am now the age to pull out tissues from my purse to give to Widget when he started to cry and I'm also of the age to see someone in damn near club gear and think to myself, "that's not quite a church dress." even if I don't go to church. Spent a lot of time wondering who the guy in the tank and shorts was. Since it was Catholic service, spent a lot of time sitting and standing and then not kneeling because my knees have always been shit, thank you.

After Communion, my brother was called up and was the only person to speak. Which was a weird mix of pride and wondering wtf. Like, did they not want anyone to speak and he just had to, or was he the only one who could, or knew there'd be a decided lack of his actual friend in the service and needed to fix it?

I thought we were then supposed to go to the cemetery and then back to the church for refreshments as they kept putting it, but nope, apparently either no graveside service or that was after lunch. While trying to figure this out, we all wound up outside and ran into Kevin's mom, who walked over and asked in that very bewildered voice older folks get when they see someone they haven't seen in eons, "B?" when she was standing in front of my mom. It took me entirely too long to figure out this was Kevin's mom because turns out when you haven't seen someone since you were 11, they look A LOT DIFFERENT. Who knew?

Didn't realize the guy on his phone the whole time next to Kevin was his older brother, so that was a bit of a mindfuck considering when we were growing up, he and I were in the same class one year in elementary school and we'd all play together for awhile. Again, single digit years here, so... yeah.

Mums and I eventually left because I had work last night and even with the sunscreen I was coated in, I was beginning to wonder if I'd be frying sooner rather than later, and Widget stayed behind with his dad to keep him out of trouble. I think that was part of it, but he also wanted to be with people who knew Ben and would actually talk about him.

Which has been my problem with funerals, honestly. In fiction, everyone gathers around and shares tales of the departed and their favorite or not so favorite memories. You learn something new, even if it's small, and you cling to that, or to the knowledge that you shared something new for someone else. In reality it's a lot of tap dancing around the dead.

Considering Widget didn't come home til I was putting my shoes on for work, I assume the memory sharing happened after I left. So maybe it's just me.


Earlier, as we sat in the church and watched people sit down, I realized that when you wear black a lot, it's hard to be able to tell what's best for a funeral because I like all my outfits and have different occasions for them. I need not have worried about my choice because a) tank top and shorts dude was there and b) so long as it was black, it would've made the cut.


Decided that when I die, my dresscode is very simple: wear that thing you've been waiting for an excuse to wear. Got a costume in the closet you haven't worn because when the hell are you going to get invited to a costume party? For the love of me, please wear it. Happiest in your PJs and want to wear them? Go for it. Got a sparkly number you had to get because of magpie genes and haven't ever had a reason to wear it? Yup. You get the idea.

I'd like to say I was left with some profound thought or feeling but that's just not how these things go, for me anyway.

Comments

[cora]

I had a moment fairly early on when I got hit by just how sad it is that there was so little of Ben to be found in his own funeral

The funerals I have been to have all been entirely about the individual who passed away. My grandmother actually wrote out her own funeral, which meant all her kids had to do was select where to have the service, the minister to 'perform' ('do'? 'give'?) the service, show up and say a few words (greatly relieving them of the responsibility of organizing/arranging said funeral).

My mom's funeral was more of a family gathering wherein we all talked about her. My dad was a regular church goer, so even though I had to arrange/organize his funeral, it wasn't difficult for the preacher to talk about him.

It probably helps that my family is very open and regularly talks about the logistics of what we expect will happen after we die - not the afterlife, but the funeral arrangements, what will be done with the body, what's going on with the will/physical stuff, etc. One family member has an entire folder dedicated to what she'd like to have happen at her funeral. It is not a dictation (like when Trix died and wanted to be buried in "fresh underwear"), but more of "When I die, it's going to be an intense emotional time for you. Having what I want that you can pick & choose from is one of the last acts of kindness I would like to do for you during that time." It is definitely a cultural thing (and this isn't part of every family's culture).

I suspect the people whose funerals you have attended where the service has been "Let me read you the obit" or "only one person spoke" is due to a family who is struggling to organize/arrange a funeral and it likely did not occur to them "Let's do open mic" (I did open mic for my dad's funeral and asked a couple of people specifically to talk about him at the pulpit).

Decided that when I die, my dress code is very simple: wear that thing you've been waiting for an excuse to wear.

I want someone to show up to my funeral in a grim reaper costume. I am still immature enough to think that shit would be *hilarious*, but mature enough to recognize my second wish of the grim reaper costume (point at people & nod as in 'you're next') would not be as funny as it is in my head...though it may encourage family/friends to adopt a "omg, what was *wrong* with her?!?!" in the same tone they give me now :)

If you are along the same lines of morbid I am, I found

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<q>I had a moment fairly early on when I got hit by just how sad it is that there was so little of Ben to be found in his own funeral</q>

The funerals I have been to have all been entirely about the individual who passed away. My grandmother actually wrote out her own funeral, which meant all her kids had to do was select where to have the service, the minister to 'perform' ('do'? 'give'?) the service, show up and say a few words (greatly relieving them of the responsibility of organizing/arranging said funeral).

My mom's funeral was more of a family gathering wherein we all talked about her. My dad was a regular church goer, so even though I had to arrange/organize his funeral, it wasn't difficult for the preacher to talk about him.

It probably helps that my family is very open and regularly talks about the logistics of what we expect will happen after we die - not the afterlife, but the funeral arrangements, what will be done with the body, what's going on with the will/physical stuff, etc. One family member has an entire folder dedicated to what she'd like to have happen at her funeral. It is not a dictation (like when Trix died and wanted to be buried in "fresh underwear"), but more of "When I die, it's going to be an intense emotional time for you. Having what I want that you can pick & choose from is one of the last acts of kindness I would like to do for you during that time." It is definitely a cultural thing (and this isn't part of every family's culture).

I suspect the people whose funerals you have attended where the service has been "Let me read you the obit" or "only one person spoke" is due to a family who is struggling to organize/arrange a funeral and it likely did not occur to them "Let's do open mic" (I did open mic for my dad's funeral and asked a couple of people specifically to talk about him at the pulpit).

<q>Decided that when I die, my dress code is very simple: wear that thing you've been waiting for an excuse to wear.</q>

I want someone to show up to my funeral in a grim reaper costume. I am still immature enough to think that shit would be *hilarious*, but mature enough to recognize my second wish of the grim reaper costume (point at people & nod as in 'you're next') would not be as funny as it is in my head...though it may encourage family/friends to adopt a "omg, what was *wrong* with her?!?!" in the same tone they give me now :)

If you are along the same lines of morbid I am, I found <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@AskAMortician target="_blank">Ask a Mortician</a> incredibly comforting after my dad passed away. I binged through her <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiZM8Q-JIpGxL09EcDVBoXM1jpykyJHi4" target="_blank">Classic Content</a> (though back then, it wasn't yet Classic). I got the recommendation from a fellow family member.

[impy]

I am a little jealous as the ones I've attended, barring the one for a family friend years ago that I barely remember and thus she might've gotten a more personalized send off than I recall, have been missing the spark of who they were for. Sometimes this seems like it's meant to be a feature, not a bug and other times... eh. Maybe I expect too much, too. Ben died very unexpectedly and pretty young, all things considered, so that likely contributed like you said.

I'm sorry to hear your parents have both died.

Now that you mention the open mic, Dad's was more like that but my memories are a bit fuzzy about the actual 'ceremony' and the meal following was where I kind of expected/hoped to pick up Dad stories from his friends and the family that did show up and there just wasn't much of it to be found. Not sure if people thought the immediate family wouldn't be into it (and to be fair, I'm not sure Mom would've been) or what.

Having the family being more open and talking about what to do after makes sense. And I love Ask A Mortician!

I'd imagine the Grim Reaper thing would work well if you had the person Grim was nodding at be in on the thing beforehand, so even if everyone else is at the "what was wrong with her?!" stage, the person getting the nod isn't freaked out. Unless, of course, that's also part of the goal.

[cora]

I kind of expected/hoped to pick up Dad stories from his friends and the family that did show up and there just wasn't much of it to be found. Not sure if people thought the immediate family wouldn't be into it (and to be fair, I'm not sure Mom would've been) or what.

Death is weird like that. Socially, we follow the cues of the family, who in their grief, it might not occur to them (or they may not have the ability) to share stories about a loved one that is no longer here.

I think culturally it makes sense to do a 'second memorial' a month or so later. The grief is still there, but people have started processing better. It would be an excellent time to swap stores - doesn't even need to be an 'official' thing. Could just be a fire pit or pot luck or BBQ event where people eat and swap stories about individuals who are no longer around. Come to think of it, Thanksgiving Dinner would be a great time for story telling like that.

I'm sorry to hear your parents have both died.
Thank you, I appreciate it :) I'm not even that old, either! They were both gone before I even turned 35. Mom passed in 2015, dad was 2019. I was born in 1986. I genuinely do not remember how old I was in those years (they were both ~63 years old when they passed...dad might have only been 62). I definitely remember feeling like I was way too young both times. A couple of months later, I remembered some people don't even get that long with their parents. There are plenty of individuals whose parents die while they are still in childhood.

[impy]

When Dad died, I was exceptionally hopeful to pick up new stories involving him because it's not like I would get any new stories with him at that point, so it didn't hurt to talk about him for the first six months or so? But looking back, I don't think my Mom was able to hear them or maybe others thought she wasn't, so it's entirely possible people just kept their distance beyond saying hello and wishing us well.

I do like the idea of a second memorial. I think my aunt had one because there was a very small thing when she died and then a few months later they had the more official funeral/memorial that I didn't have a chance to attend, but I suspect it was more like that.

Damn! Losing them both before you turned 35 is rough, and having them go so close (I consider them close, anyway) must have been extra tough. I must admit that right after Dad died, I was pissed about people who had shitty fathers that were still alive and mine, who wasn't shitty, was gone. Grief does weird things. *extra huggles*

[cora]

I never reconciled with my mom, and that was the right choice for my own mental and emotional well being. I had a solid decade of grieving for the mom I wanted vs. the mom I had. I was surprised at the amount of relief and grief I had for when she was no longer in the world. It definitely wasn't what I predicted my reaction would be. The shock over her death lasted only a few hours.

Comparatively, I was as close as I can be (I have intimacy issues) to my dad. The shock lasted for a solid month, and I felt terrible at my lack of pain (I even called up a very good friend upset by my lack of upset and I was deeply concerned I was a psychopath or a sociopath because I wasn't as devastated as I thought I should be - in hindsight, my devastation was & is quieter than what media/society seems to indicate is the expectation).

I must admit that right after Dad died, I was pissed about people who had shitty fathers that were still alive and mine, who wasn't shitty, was gone. Grief does weird things. *extra huggles*

I would have killed for this reaction (figuratively). My reaction was more of a quiet sadness. Dad got the death he wanted (I didn't find his body, he had all of his mental capacity right up to the end), he didn't suffer, he just had a heart attack while he was running a half marathon. I have a photo of him taken ~45 minutes before he passed away, and he looks happy and in his element.

Death is definitely startling at best and utterly gut wrenching at worst. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I am glad you had such a wonderful relationship with your dad *hugs*

And yeah, I definitely felt the timeline was weirdly close. Dad was incredibly healthy, he got fit and was a runner (ran Boston Twice, qualified 4 times - one time he was unable to run due to an injury, and the 4th time he passed before he could sign up to run). I honestly thought he'd live another two decades.

I inherited the house after he died, so I had two people's worth of stuff that I a still working my way through.

[luxken27]

♥ The funerals I've been to have been about the person they were for. That was the point; to gather together and remember them, and their impact, however small. I agree that a memorial service after some time has passed is also helpful. My family had one for my grandfather where we all got up to share memories of him, and it was interesting to see and hear how he had touched all our lives.

I'm sorry to hear that this was basically an alien experience. That really sucks, and he deserves more. Maybe at some point his family and/or friends will have the chance to do something memorial-like in his honor.

[impy]

I have every expectation that his close friends will absolutely do something for him, if they haven't already. It's entirely possible that the lunch portion of the day was that for a lot of people, but the actual service itself wasn't and since that's all I attended, that's all I'm left with.

I'm also glad to know that this isn't some big Hollywood/fiction scam then because I was beginning to really think it was. I guess I just have weird funeral uh... luck?