![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dec. 6th, 2021 06:08 amThe state of the me: numb.
I'd expected to just kind of crash, either when she actually died (I knew it was coming for a few days prior and feared for a bit longer) or when I didn't have to fake being okay for work but uh, nope. Still operating on survival mode, I guess. Which is odd because last week I'd think something upsetting and wham, tears even if I managed to fight them back. Since my weekend began? I will think I see her out of the corner of my eye or keep expecting her to appear when she normally would, or keep having thoughts like, "oh, I bet she's with Mo-...wait, no" and uh, no tears. Or feeling anything apart from a decided lack of her being here.
Flipside, try and type anything about her and tears. Woo?
Sigh.
Also, I ventured outside yesterday after staying up far later than I'd intended and it looked and even felt (temp wise) like December but it didn't really FEEL like Christmas is coming. And this is after I spent the morning decorating the non-tree spaces for Christmas. Felt nothing.
Off to see what the weather calls for today and then, if it's not going to be a billion degrees, maybe actually make it outside for longer than a trip to the car to grab something.
I'd expected to just kind of crash, either when she actually died (I knew it was coming for a few days prior and feared for a bit longer) or when I didn't have to fake being okay for work but uh, nope. Still operating on survival mode, I guess. Which is odd because last week I'd think something upsetting and wham, tears even if I managed to fight them back. Since my weekend began? I will think I see her out of the corner of my eye or keep expecting her to appear when she normally would, or keep having thoughts like, "oh, I bet she's with Mo-...wait, no" and uh, no tears. Or feeling anything apart from a decided lack of her being here.
Flipside, try and type anything about her and tears. Woo?
Sigh.
Also, I ventured outside yesterday after staying up far later than I'd intended and it looked and even felt (temp wise) like December but it didn't really FEEL like Christmas is coming. And this is after I spent the morning decorating the non-tree spaces for Christmas. Felt nothing.
Off to see what the weather calls for today and then, if it's not going to be a billion degrees, maybe actually make it outside for longer than a trip to the car to grab something.