Fatherhood
Dec. 13th, 2012 10:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
impyFandom: BSC
Title: Fatherhood
Characters: Patrick Thomas
Word Count: 963
Summary: Patrick Thomas was never meant to be a father.
-------
Patrick Thomas knew three things for sure.
His life changed forever the day his son Charlie was born.
He remembered how everyone always said that your life changed the moment your child came into the world. He also remembered laughing himself into a fit at the sentimentality of it all. Sure, things changed, but such a seismic shift over one event? Wouldn't it be more of a cumulative effect, all the firsts snowballing into something that, as you looked back over time, created the illusion that it all changed in one instant?
As it turned out, no. His life really did change in some way he could never manage to nail down the absolute second Charlie began to wail.
His life changed again when his daughter Kristy was born.
Patrick had never given much thought to his future kids. People would ask each time Elizabeth was pregnant whether he wanted a girl or boy and he'd laugh, shrug, and feed them the whole "so long as they're healthy!" line parents always used. Only in his case he really didn't care. Kids were kids, right?
And then along came Kristy. The first time she looked at Patrick he felt the world shift beneath his feet in much the same way it had when Charlie was born. Only this time he could pinpoint exactly what had changed.
He knew how to deal with boys. He'd been one and still felt like one who was only pretending to be a grownup half the time. But girls. Lord, girls were different. Just looking at her, Patrick knew he'd do anything to protect her and keep her safe. Anything.
The thought kept him up at night, worrying. Worrying was something new to Patrick and he wasn't all that thrilled with the development.
He was never meant to be a father.
This Patrick knew to be true most of all. It was the worst kind of realization, really. He had three kids with another on the way when it finally hit him full force. He liked kids. He really did. But he was never meant to be a father. He liked having fun with them and then handing them off to someone else when things got to be too much. He wanted his freedom back. He wanted his life back.
But the moment you had kids, they became your life. He knew Elizabeth would never understand because she was one of those people who thrived with kids. She'd become a completely different person from the girl he'd married. In some ways he was impressed by the way she could adapt and yet in other ways he resented the kids, his kids, for taking the woman he loved away from him.
It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was a slippery slope for his thoughts to be on, so he took on jobs that let him leave more and more often. Maybe if he wasn't around as much, the kids would retain their novelty. Maybe things would work out with a little distance. Didn't other families work that way? They must. Look at his parents and how their marriage had worked out. They didn't need to see each other every day and in fact it worked better when they didn't. Kept the mystery alive or so his mother used to say.
Only it didn't work. He enjoyed being away far more than he ever enjoyed coming back. Home, if he was honest, didn't feel like home any more. Where were you supposed to go when you realized you no longer wanted the life you'd stumbled into?
He tried explaining it to Elizabeth a few times, hoping that she could fix it somehow. She was a mother now, right? And didn't mothers have an almost magical ability to fix the most horrible of messes?
She'd told him to grow up as well as a few other things they both hoped none of the kids overheard. The conversations always ended badly. He'd stopped trying the night he caught Charlie spying on them. The look of absolute horror in his son's eyes had stopped Patrick mid-sentence.
He would never be a good father. He didn't know how to be and he didn't really want to put in the time to figure it out, but he also knew his kids deserved better. Funny, that. Maybe one day they would understand in some abstract way, though he not so secretly hoped they never did. If they understood, the odds were good they had turned out like him, and he didn't want that. He wanted better for them.
Which is why he left. It was completely selfish but it also meant that one day, maybe, Elizabeth would find someone who wanted to be a father and his kids would have someone who wanted to be there for all the difficult things that fatherhood brought. Cuts and scrapes and broken hearts, colds and flus and endless nights of homework.
He knew that he would miss all the good things by leaving, but he also knew that if he stayed the good things might never happen. His kids deserved better... they deserved a better father than he could ever dream of being.
So he left without a goodbye, afraid that if he had to look any of them in the eye, his resolve would disappear in the face of tears. Or, worse yet, that they wouldn't want him to stay. His oldest sons weren't stupid, nor were they blind to his faults the way his daughter seemed to be, so it was entirely possible that they would send him on his way without a second thought.
Patrick Thomas was never meant to be a father. It only took him four kids to figure it out.
Notes: I don't remember what prompted this, only that it's been sitting on my computer for about a month. I think I was curious about Patrick and how he saw himself as a father at the beginning. It's pretty obvious as the series progresses that he has moments of clarity followed by wild delusions of grandeur in terms of fatherhood.
This is probably also shaped by something my brother said years ago, in a fit of drunken clarity, not to mention a few bad fathers I witnessed over the years.
Title: Fatherhood
Characters: Patrick Thomas
Word Count: 963
Summary: Patrick Thomas was never meant to be a father.
-------
Patrick Thomas knew three things for sure.
His life changed forever the day his son Charlie was born.
He remembered how everyone always said that your life changed the moment your child came into the world. He also remembered laughing himself into a fit at the sentimentality of it all. Sure, things changed, but such a seismic shift over one event? Wouldn't it be more of a cumulative effect, all the firsts snowballing into something that, as you looked back over time, created the illusion that it all changed in one instant?
As it turned out, no. His life really did change in some way he could never manage to nail down the absolute second Charlie began to wail.
His life changed again when his daughter Kristy was born.
Patrick had never given much thought to his future kids. People would ask each time Elizabeth was pregnant whether he wanted a girl or boy and he'd laugh, shrug, and feed them the whole "so long as they're healthy!" line parents always used. Only in his case he really didn't care. Kids were kids, right?
And then along came Kristy. The first time she looked at Patrick he felt the world shift beneath his feet in much the same way it had when Charlie was born. Only this time he could pinpoint exactly what had changed.
He knew how to deal with boys. He'd been one and still felt like one who was only pretending to be a grownup half the time. But girls. Lord, girls were different. Just looking at her, Patrick knew he'd do anything to protect her and keep her safe. Anything.
The thought kept him up at night, worrying. Worrying was something new to Patrick and he wasn't all that thrilled with the development.
He was never meant to be a father.
This Patrick knew to be true most of all. It was the worst kind of realization, really. He had three kids with another on the way when it finally hit him full force. He liked kids. He really did. But he was never meant to be a father. He liked having fun with them and then handing them off to someone else when things got to be too much. He wanted his freedom back. He wanted his life back.
But the moment you had kids, they became your life. He knew Elizabeth would never understand because she was one of those people who thrived with kids. She'd become a completely different person from the girl he'd married. In some ways he was impressed by the way she could adapt and yet in other ways he resented the kids, his kids, for taking the woman he loved away from him.
It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was a slippery slope for his thoughts to be on, so he took on jobs that let him leave more and more often. Maybe if he wasn't around as much, the kids would retain their novelty. Maybe things would work out with a little distance. Didn't other families work that way? They must. Look at his parents and how their marriage had worked out. They didn't need to see each other every day and in fact it worked better when they didn't. Kept the mystery alive or so his mother used to say.
Only it didn't work. He enjoyed being away far more than he ever enjoyed coming back. Home, if he was honest, didn't feel like home any more. Where were you supposed to go when you realized you no longer wanted the life you'd stumbled into?
He tried explaining it to Elizabeth a few times, hoping that she could fix it somehow. She was a mother now, right? And didn't mothers have an almost magical ability to fix the most horrible of messes?
She'd told him to grow up as well as a few other things they both hoped none of the kids overheard. The conversations always ended badly. He'd stopped trying the night he caught Charlie spying on them. The look of absolute horror in his son's eyes had stopped Patrick mid-sentence.
He would never be a good father. He didn't know how to be and he didn't really want to put in the time to figure it out, but he also knew his kids deserved better. Funny, that. Maybe one day they would understand in some abstract way, though he not so secretly hoped they never did. If they understood, the odds were good they had turned out like him, and he didn't want that. He wanted better for them.
Which is why he left. It was completely selfish but it also meant that one day, maybe, Elizabeth would find someone who wanted to be a father and his kids would have someone who wanted to be there for all the difficult things that fatherhood brought. Cuts and scrapes and broken hearts, colds and flus and endless nights of homework.
He knew that he would miss all the good things by leaving, but he also knew that if he stayed the good things might never happen. His kids deserved better... they deserved a better father than he could ever dream of being.
So he left without a goodbye, afraid that if he had to look any of them in the eye, his resolve would disappear in the face of tears. Or, worse yet, that they wouldn't want him to stay. His oldest sons weren't stupid, nor were they blind to his faults the way his daughter seemed to be, so it was entirely possible that they would send him on his way without a second thought.
Patrick Thomas was never meant to be a father. It only took him four kids to figure it out.
Notes: I don't remember what prompted this, only that it's been sitting on my computer for about a month. I think I was curious about Patrick and how he saw himself as a father at the beginning. It's pretty obvious as the series progresses that he has moments of clarity followed by wild delusions of grandeur in terms of fatherhood.
This is probably also shaped by something my brother said years ago, in a fit of drunken clarity, not to mention a few bad fathers I witnessed over the years.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2012-12-15 02:47 am (UTC)Talk about bittersweet. It sounds like you have some more headcanon for him, which I definitely wouldn't mind hearing about ;) And I also think you should join
(no subject)
Date: 2013-11-12 10:16 pm (UTC)This was excellent. I often wondered what Patrick's motivations were in just leaving. I think this might partly be due to the fact that my parents divorced when I was eight and my dad and his entire side of the family basically vanished from my life. I got occasional birthday cards, like Kristy does, but mostly he was just never there. I never really understood why he didn't want to be around us anymore. I imagine Kristy and her brothers having similar thoughts about Patrick. So it's nice to see a good explanation of what might have been going on in his head. I especially like that it was something that had been bothering him for a long time, like he was trying to convince himself that it wasn't true (because I find that's often true with unpleasant realities). The books never really explain what caused him to just up and leave and so we're left assuming he just left on a whim. I like your headcanon MUCH better.
You should write more fanfic! I'm a fan already.