100 Things, #16: Wait.
Jul. 24th, 2013 07:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
impyHunh.
The past couple of months I've found out two friends (or one friend and one friend of a friend that I don't hate or anything) are having weight loss surgery. I'm not really sure how one is supposed to reply to that, truthfully. On the one hand, I hope it works and you're happier and healthier. I really and truly do, no sarcasm or judgment ever even though I realize this sounds sarcastic. I love you both and this is what you need so I cheer you on.
On the other hand, I feel weird because I am and always have been the fat friend. So if you guys are having surgery, wtf, mate? Logically I know neither one of them is thinking a damn thing about my ass because they're a little hung up on their own at the moment, thank you very much. But as the largest one in the group (and having always felt that I was, even when there are times I think I wasn't now that I can look back on it) currently, I feel completely incapable of saying much of anything beyond "yay you!"
I dunno. I guess I worry and have this loop of this very skinny woman telling me why she was one of my Sunday coupon ladies. She'd had the surgery, it went Oh So Wrong and now she exists on these coupon items because it's all she can really eat. Which is an awfully extreme thought to have on loop but I'm smart enough to not mention it to them. :P I also know that there are a lot of people this works for and that it's not a magical cure all and...
Mostly, I keep coming back to this memory.
During one of the ex's vists (I think his first) someone got the brilliant idea to play truth or dare. ExR took one look at the group and said, "Nope, not gonna" and went upstairs to the computer. I stuck around because I know my group and we were missing two of the main people who would've made this a seriously dangerous idea.
We're all sitting out on the porch at my house (screened in, very nice) and in a vague circle. Truth or dare very quickly just turns into truth because someone always has an agenda, but before that axe to grind was dragged out, someone asked, "If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?" I'm sitting about halfway through the circle so I have a little time to think but even then you don't want to be the jackass holding the game up while you try and sift through various answers, right? So I'm trying to think really fast.
I don't remember if one of the guys was first or not, but the first girl, the VERY FIRST GIRL says, "Weight." And for a second I thought she said, "Wait" as in she was thinking, too. And for a split second I was glad I wasn't the only one who needed a minute to think this question through.
Until the next girl says, "Yeah, my weight." And every girl there chimes in with the same answer.
I sat there, shocked and not shocked all at the same time.
I still ended up being the jackass who needed time to think because... if you gave me a free pass to change anything, I would seriously not consider my weight to be what I'd waste that wish on. I'd want to be smarter or funnier or kinder or happier or something.
I felt that way at 17. I feel that way now. I don't want you thinking I was a tiny thing, or even just ~curvy~ though I would love to be that size again. Like I said, bigger than most in the group and definitely the biggest girl there.
It broke my heart then and it still breaks my heart now.
And yes, I know the two aren't the same as this isn't a magical wish and serious thought and angst went into this, but one of the people discussed is the first girl mentioned and the other was also in the group during that memory, too. Which is part of the connection in my brain.
The past couple of months I've found out two friends (or one friend and one friend of a friend that I don't hate or anything) are having weight loss surgery. I'm not really sure how one is supposed to reply to that, truthfully. On the one hand, I hope it works and you're happier and healthier. I really and truly do, no sarcasm or judgment ever even though I realize this sounds sarcastic. I love you both and this is what you need so I cheer you on.
On the other hand, I feel weird because I am and always have been the fat friend. So if you guys are having surgery, wtf, mate? Logically I know neither one of them is thinking a damn thing about my ass because they're a little hung up on their own at the moment, thank you very much. But as the largest one in the group (and having always felt that I was, even when there are times I think I wasn't now that I can look back on it) currently, I feel completely incapable of saying much of anything beyond "yay you!"
I dunno. I guess I worry and have this loop of this very skinny woman telling me why she was one of my Sunday coupon ladies. She'd had the surgery, it went Oh So Wrong and now she exists on these coupon items because it's all she can really eat. Which is an awfully extreme thought to have on loop but I'm smart enough to not mention it to them. :P I also know that there are a lot of people this works for and that it's not a magical cure all and...
Mostly, I keep coming back to this memory.
During one of the ex's vists (I think his first) someone got the brilliant idea to play truth or dare. ExR took one look at the group and said, "Nope, not gonna" and went upstairs to the computer. I stuck around because I know my group and we were missing two of the main people who would've made this a seriously dangerous idea.
We're all sitting out on the porch at my house (screened in, very nice) and in a vague circle. Truth or dare very quickly just turns into truth because someone always has an agenda, but before that axe to grind was dragged out, someone asked, "If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?" I'm sitting about halfway through the circle so I have a little time to think but even then you don't want to be the jackass holding the game up while you try and sift through various answers, right? So I'm trying to think really fast.
I don't remember if one of the guys was first or not, but the first girl, the VERY FIRST GIRL says, "Weight." And for a second I thought she said, "Wait" as in she was thinking, too. And for a split second I was glad I wasn't the only one who needed a minute to think this question through.
Until the next girl says, "Yeah, my weight." And every girl there chimes in with the same answer.
I sat there, shocked and not shocked all at the same time.
I still ended up being the jackass who needed time to think because... if you gave me a free pass to change anything, I would seriously not consider my weight to be what I'd waste that wish on. I'd want to be smarter or funnier or kinder or happier or something.
I felt that way at 17. I feel that way now. I don't want you thinking I was a tiny thing, or even just ~curvy~ though I would love to be that size again. Like I said, bigger than most in the group and definitely the biggest girl there.
It broke my heart then and it still breaks my heart now.
And yes, I know the two aren't the same as this isn't a magical wish and serious thought and angst went into this, but one of the people discussed is the first girl mentioned and the other was also in the group during that memory, too. Which is part of the connection in my brain.
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(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-25 12:57 am (UTC)No clue what her prices are or how many she has, but I thought you might want to at least write to her to find out. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-25 04:01 am (UTC)It made me think of you. LOL!
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-25 04:18 am (UTC)On the flipside, if food isn't the reason you're fat, than you're getting an invasive surgery done to correct a problem that is hormonal or genetic or what have you.
I dunno. I'm with you. I'm fat and happy and learning to love the body I'm in. I'm sure I could lose a few more pounds eating healthier, and I'm trying to eat better if only for the sake of my internal health. But I'm pretty sure if I wanted to look like Zac Efron, I'd have to starve myself so much or be on such a crazy eating regimen that it just wouldn't be worth it for me. So I'm learning to love myself as a big, cuddly teddy bear. And thank god I still scarf a cheeseburger and fries when the urge strikes me.
Hope your friends are at least safe and get through the surgery OK.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-25 02:22 pm (UTC)She lost over 100 pounds and has kept it off. She now walks half-marathons every year (and spends much of the year either training for her annual one or just walking in the morning to stay fit.)
Granted, surgery is a permanent change. I know Sue lost the weight and keeps it off because the lap band restricts the amount of food she can eat at any given time. I'm pretty sure that if she had the band removed she'd gain all the weight back because to my knowledge there's never been any psychological treatment addressing why she turned to food for comfort to begin with. So I guess what I'm saying is that your friends might be in the same position as Sue and their surgeries are the only answer that will provide real solutions. But at the same time I would caution them to get counseling too and not just rely on the wonders of surgery to fix their problems.