argh. grrr.

[impy]

Gilmore Girls all talked out
Buffy spinoff Angel continues to thrive
ROB SALEM

Sometimes you jump the shark. And sometimes the shark jumps you. And sometimes you're smart enough to just stay the hell out of the water, sit on the beach and read a good book.

The American networks' mid-winter "sweeps" period gets off to an early start this week on the youth-skewed netlet, The WB, with Very Special Episodes of two successful signature series, Gilmore Girls and Angel.

The first is a classic example of a once-great show that has now "jumped the shark" (Internet-inspired terminology for "past it"). The second is a spin-off series that started off inside the shark, and has somehow managed to muscle its way out again and swim off to bluer waters.

Gilmore Girls, (tomorrow night on WPIX at 8 and KTLA at 11, Wednesday on Global at 9), kicks off what is ostensibly a two-part story, linked only in reality by the dubious return of Milo Ventimiglia's broody Jess, who left an entire season ago to be spun off into his own series, which somehow never quite got around to actually getting made.



But first, the bad news. Once one of the funniest and freshest hours on the dial, Amy Sherman-Palladino's Gilmore Girls has recently degenerated into a chatty snoozefest, having bantered itself inextricably into a creative corner.

The relationship at that show's heart, between quirky iconoclast single mom Lorelai (Lauren Graham) and her quirky, over-achieving daughter, Rory (Alexis Bledel), has been torn asunder by the latter's relocation to Yale, leaving much of their signature snappy patter to be crammed into unlikely cell-phone exchanges and unrealistically frequent weekend visits home.

At the same time, there has been an apparent downplaying of the other eccentric residents of Star's Hollow, and an over-playing of the otherwise fabulous Kelly Bishop as Lorelai's high-strung mom, and the ultimate playing-out of the once stoically unknowable coffee hunk, Luke (Scott Patterson) ...

Newly named Warner CEO Jordan Levin addressed the show's creative decline last month at the recent TV critics' confab in L.A.

"We're transitioning the show to this new model of Rory being in college," he began ("transitioning," "new model" — network suits do tend to sound very much like motivational speakers).

"I think there's two ways you can tackle that. One way is you continue to live in this TV reality where nobody ages and nothing ever changes and nothing ever happens, which I think is tougher and tougher to ask audiences, especially younger audiences, to suspend disbelief with.

"They buy these characters and they view them as real, and they have goals, and you want to see them try and fill those goals. But in doing so, I think we were very conscious of the fact that that was a transition for the show ... a transition period that was a bit rocky."

That's three "transitions," and not a single suggestion of what the show might be transitioning to. Which is, of course, the problem. A problem that bringing back Jess, that foul-tempered, delinquent Kerouak wannabe, ain't gonna solve (particularly not when his so-called "reunion" with Rory takes an episode and a half to get to, and lasts all of maybe 20 seconds).

On the other hand, his return does finally bring into the fold his errant mom, Luke's much talked-about ditzy sister, Liz, perfectly embodied by ER's Kathleen Whilhoite, who may, if we are lucky (and the show's producers are smart), stick around in Star's Hollow for a season or so.

If only to give Lorelai someone to talk to.

Writer boy there can leave the room. Levin can pay me to watch his fucking network, or he can kiss my ass. Has he managed to make any fandom happy? He pissed the fans of the shows canned and then he proceeded to mock endlessly [see Birds of Prey, and I suspect the Tarzan fans (no comment) as well], miffed the Angel fans by moving the show to hell and back, killing the budget, insisiting Spike be added [whether any of this is truly his fault matters not. he talks as if it were, and the spike thing tends to be a dividing line between factions of fandom. Don't care.], blah blah. Charmed fans get ignored despite gift wrapping him a fucking hit on all three nights it's aired [or as much as a hit as they could expect], and now he's turning on GG. Brilliant from a guy running a network that's rapidly losing shows. Piss off the fandom. Brillint fucking move. And when Everwood hits year 4, will you bemoan your fate then? How about Smallville? Dude.

... Dude.

And yes, this rage is partially fueled by something else entirely. But if I tell Skanky Ho Ho to kiss my ass, I might just go off and never come back on the sanity level that friendship might require. But if she doesn't bring me my damn shiny, I will have to, you know, kill someone. And since I know something that could get her killed without me having to dirty my hands...

*cough*

So. When going to a handfasting, is it traditional for at least one of the people being hitched/whatevered/ to be of the pagan/wiccan variety?